Asking Eric: Sister’s debt is splitting the family

Dear Eric: Over the years, there has been very little contact with my sister except when she needs money. She and two of her adult daughters have called asking for money, one asking more than once. I want to keep peace in the family, so I’ve given it to them.

They said they would pay it back. Not only have they not done so, but they cut off all communication. I’ve never gotten any pictures of the grandkids or little notes about their daily life.

One daughter who has not asked for money invited us to dinner. We had a nice time, but I know she will soon ask why we don’t all get together. Can I tell her about the money? She used to ignore me, too.

Eric says: It’s tricky when you want to set a boundary, especially when doing so involves making someone else’s business public. However, you’re right to not want to socialize until some amends are made.

When the other daughter inquires about a group get-together, tell her you’d love to, but you and her mom and sister have some personal unfinished business that needs to be taken care of first. This also might be a good opportunity to talk about how important contact is for you, how you’re grateful she’s gotten in touch and how it felt when you were being ignored.

It doesn’t have to be a dramatic scene. But it’s important to put everything on the table so you don’t start to resent her, too.

Dear Eric: How do senior siblings sort out who should do what for other senior siblings, parents and needy younger relatives? Does it matter if some need help because of risky or harmful life choices?

Eric says: Every family has to come up with their own metric for providing care to each other. Many do it automatically, though that can result in a family situation where one member is expected to take on more than is fair. Our relationships don’t conscript us into service, but our service to each other is often how we show our love.

Reading between the lines of your question, I’d guess that you are weighing your obligation to family against a feeling that they’ve brought their misfortune on themselves.

Here’s where I come down on it: people we love make mistakes sometimes. We can choose to watch them suffer in service of learning a lesson, or we can offer help to fix things. Attempting to do both at once rarely works.

Dear Eric, part 1: Regarding the letter from a woman whose husband’s insomnia is keeping her awake, I’m a therapist who treats insomnia. it’s recommended that if you can’t fall asleep in bed within 20 minutes, go to another quiet room to read before feeling tired enough to sleep. Being awake in bed makes your brain associate bed with being awake rather than asleep. In addition to moving, the husband should get checked out to diagnose and treat the cause of the insomnia.

Dear Eric, part 2: You should have advised the woman to buy her husband a tablet. Libraries often have free downloads. There is no page turning, the brightness of the screen can be adjusted, and if she gets a cover, that side of the cover can be held upright to further shield her from the light of the tablet.

Eric says: Thanks for these additions. Before the smart alecks weigh in, I don’t suggest folks read my books next to sleeping partners. I’ve been told they tend to make you laugh out loud.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.