Ask Eric: Boyfriend comes with a warning

Dear Eric: I am a 55-year-old single female. I recently met a man, and we have been going on great dates. I really enjoyed hanging out with him until his sister-in-law came to me and said, “Don’t develop feelings for him. Just have fun with him and get what you can from him.”

Should I tell him what she said? Or just keep it to myself and keep my guard up?

Eric says: A lot depends on whether you have a pre-existing relationship with the sister-in-law. If she came to you out of the blue and gave you dire warnings, it doesn’t mean she’s wrong, necessarily, but there’s no reason for you to trust her. How do you know she has your best interests in mind?

So, keep your guard up but also talk about it with the man you’ve been dating. Maybe he has more insight, maybe he’ll have a response that gives you a different view of him, maybe she’s completely right. If you’re getting to know someone in a romantic context and their relative is talking trash about them, it’s very helpful to ask them why that might be.

Lastly, think about what you want from this relationship, what you’re expecting and what you want to give to it. As you gain more information — good, bad, neutral — it’s important to weigh it against your own needs and expectations.

Dear Eric: My wife and daughter have not gotten along well since my daughter hit middle school (she’s now about to turn 18). Part of the problem is that they are very much alike. Both of them have OCD, but they don’t obsess over the same things, which often leaves them at odds. They are both in therapy, and both therapists have recommended family counseling, but my daughter has refused.

Yesterday, out of nowhere, my daughter told me what her problem with her mother is: “The only things I know about her are her favorite foods and that she has to control everything. You’re an open book, Dad, warts and all. Mom won’t share anything about herself that is even slightly embarrassing or that makes her seem human.”

When I asked if she had shared this with her mother, she said it is too late for that now.

For the most part, what my daughter said is true. My wife was a bit of a “wild child.” Now, she is very much closed off about her past. She says it’s to protect my daughter from making the same mistakes.

Do I share what my daughter said with my wife? Telling this to her would hurt her deeply. I know they love each other, but when my daughter goes off to college, I feel that they will drift apart.

Eric says: Your wife is in a lose-lose situation. For many parents, it can be particularly heartbreaking when the things you do with the best intentions end up being the exact things that create a problem in your relationship with your child.

I think your daughter is being a bit unfair to your wife, but you’re in a unique position to help her see where she’s being short-sighted. The statement that she made to you is exactly the kind of thing that a therapist can help your family navigate.

Talk with her about what she shared and gently remind her that what she’s lamenting is a treatable problem. See if she’ll agree to a set number of sessions with a counselor, say three to start.

You also should tell your daughter that you’re planning to share what she told you with your wife. If your wife can hear this feedback as an invitation to vulnerability and an indication of your daughter’s curiosity, it can set them on a healthier track.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.