Ask Eric: Longtime friends ignore wedding

Dear Eric: My daughter got married a year ago and decided to have a wedding with immediate family members only because of the huge family on the groom’s side (the wedding was still about 100 people). It was held on the West Coast; we live on the East Coast.

Some of my friends sent a gift, knowing why they were not invited, but three of my close friends didn’t send anything (even a card would have been thoughtful).

We’ve sent their kids very generous gifts. In one case, we traveled to their daughter’s wedding, spent a fortune to stay in a hotel and gave her a generous cash gift.

I’m so disappointed. I feel like even a small gift would have been nice. They have known my daughter since she was little. I’m having trouble letting it go. It just feels cheap. Some of my friends are shocked that they didn’t do anything.

Eric says: You’re right, it would have been nice if they’d sent a gift. When it comes to children and grandchildren of friends, wedding gifts and other gestures for special occasions can become extensions of the central friendship. A gift to your kid is also (perhaps, primarily) a gift to you. So, I can see why this stings.

The answers to two questions might help de-escalate this situation.

First, did your daughter send out wedding announcements? It’s a weird system, perhaps, but an announcement can serve as an indication that the couple is open to gifts and will help guests figure out where to send them. If your friends didn’t receive announcements, this may not be a one-to-one comparison with the weddings to which you were invited.

The second question is, does your daughter have any feelings about this? Often, in life’s biggest events, the gifts you get feel so thoughtful and generous that one doesn’t really think about the gifts that one didn’t get. Is it possible that your daughter doesn’t have the same expectations of your friends?

If so, you’re still perfectly within your right to hold them to a different standard. But, for the sake of peace of mind, it’s important to remember that everyone’s expectations of themselves and of others are different.

Dear Eric: We call our firstborn son by his middle name to avoid confusion with his father, who also goes by his middle name, which is our son’s first name. This practice goes back generations on my husband’s father’s side. Imagine my confusion, years ago, when I discovered that our as-yet-unconceived son already had been given a first name (but we could choose the middle).

I’ve made my peace with the odd tradition. But now our son is going on four, ripe for learning and spelling his entire name, and I’m worried he’ll be confused and in turn confuse others when we try to explain this system. I consider your name to be an example of an elegant solution, but is it?

Eric says: The elegance of my nomenclature is up for debate. In high school, a teacher told me, “Eric, there’s a thin line between class and pretension.” Can you believe that? The audacity still makes me laugh.

Suffice it to say, your son will have plenty of opportunity to choose class, pretension or something else on his journey of self-expression. If you call him by his middle name, he eventually may choose to use his first. If you call him by his first name, he may choose his middle name. If he becomes a pop star later in life, he may choose a whole new name.

All of those are just fine. But, for now, he’ll be able to understand the concept of a full name and that some parts of the name are used conversationally and others aren’t.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.