Ask Eric: Aunt wants to skip wedding

Dear Eric: One of my two daughters is getting married in a very small ceremony on Labor Day weekend.

My sister lives in Florida. When I emailed her (and our brothers) about this event, she responded immediately that, because it is Labor Day weekend, she wouldn’t be attending. She doesn’t go anywhere on major holidays because of crowds and potential flight delays.

I am beyond sad and disappointed. It seems she is prioritizing her comfort over this joyous occasion. I don’t know how to express this to her. She is something of a control freak, who doesn’t take criticism well.

Do I simply let it go, or do I say anything and, if so, what?

Eric says: I understand the logic of not wanting to travel on major holidays. Your sister does have other options, though. She can come early, if her work allows for it. She can travel some or all of the way by ways other than on planes. Or she can just bite the bullet and make the trek for family.

But be prepared: She already might have thought through the options and still decided to decline.

I understand why this is hurtful — it’s a small ceremony and she’s close family, so her presence would be missed.

There are ways of talking about this without it coming across as criticism. Start by expressing what you feel — you want her there, you’re sad she can’t make it, et cetera. And then ask: Is there any way that we can make this work? Would you like my help to make this easier?

An open-ended question allows her the option of engaging or shutting down the conversation. Whereas a criticism would make her feel more boxed in. She still might choose to stay home, but by having a conversation with her that starts with your openness to hear her and respect her opinion, you may find a solution that’s not too laborious.

Dear Eric: A 20-something neighbor we have known since the age of three has recently come out to my husband and me as transgender. We have embraced and accepted “Sara” and are glad she feels able to be her authentic self to us.

Sara’s parents, with whom she lives, are unaware of her transgender identity. Often when her parents leave the home for work, Sara will dress in skirts or dresses and walk across the street to visit with my husband and me.

We have encouraged Sara to inform her parents of her identity and have advised her to have an exit strategy should the reveal have a negative result. Our concern is for how our neighbors, whom we genuinely love, will take the fact that we learned about their child’s transgender identity before they did. We have told Sara that we will not “out” her to her parents, but neither will we lie if we are asked.

While we are grateful Sara felt free enough to share with us, this secret is heavy on us whenever we speak to our neighbors. How should we handle this?

Eric says: It’s so important that anyone who is sharing a new, potentially vulnerable part of themselves has a safe space to feel seen and cared for before they tell the world. I hope her parents see this as an extension of your love for their whole family.

In the interim, check in with Sara about your anxiety. It’s not her job to manage her parents’ emotions about this, nor is it yours, but being on the same page about the heaviness of the secret may help to unburden you.

When you do have a talk with your friends, lead with love and empathy. Be patient, consistent and clear about your care for them, and be steadfast in your love for Sara.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.