Ask Eric: Strained friendship needs a little space

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law Betty and I used to be close until jealousy came between us. She was jealous that her brother and I were the first to get married, have kids and reach other milestones.

She also is very sensitive, so I’ve felt like I need to walk on eggshells, especially after she confided to my husband that she thinks I complain too much. In short, I don’t feel like I can share my joys or my struggles with her.

I am cordial toward her, but I do not make an effort beyond being polite and kind.

I’ve been going through an intense period of stress and burnout for almost two years. A few months ago, I had a mental breakdown. Since then, Betty has made several attempts at rekindling our friendship. I haven’t reciprocated. I still don’t have the emotional energy to restore a complicated friendship.

Based on previous patterns of behavior, I know that it’s just a matter of time before my husband is told either by Betty or their parents that she’s hurt that I’m not reciprocating. I know I will feel pressured to make more of an effort. How do I set a boundary and explain that I’m not interested in restoring this relationship right now, without further complicating the situation?

Eric says: Being proactive will help you and Betty. Reach out to tell her that you’ve noticed (and appreciated) her desire to rekindle a friendship and you want to acknowledge that. Then let her know that you’re still in a tough place and that you just don’t have a lot of capacity.

This probably is a little more “it’s not you, it’s me” than you’d like, but what seems most important is that you right-size Betty’s expectations before this becomes a family issue. Acknowledging her efforts keeps her feelings from getting hurt, and being honest about what you can and can’t offer right now saves you from having to reject her outright.

It also gives her useful information that ideally will help her be a better friend. Sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is give us space, and the most loving thing we can do is ask for it.

Dear Eric: Regarding your response to the writer who didn’t know how to address a friend’s Ozempic weight loss: A couple of years ago, I lost about 60 pounds by sticking to a very strict diet. I was astounded when nobody appeared to notice. Or, at least, they didn’t say that they noticed. After all that I suffered for that result, I was hurt. A “you look great” comment would have been much more than enough, and much better than nothing at all.

I don’t know many people who would be offended by a “you look great” comment.

Eric says: The issue isn’t so much offense, per se, as making a statement that might not be received as a compliment. Some people might not want friends commenting on their bodies, or they might have complicated feelings about their journeys, or they might have lost weight unwillingly through illness. We don’t always know what’s going on in people’s lives or minds.

This also is true in your case — you wanted a compliment, and you didn’t receive one and those around you didn’t sense that. Sometimes, I find that a desire to be complimented is wrapped up in a desire to be more authentic with those around us.

Do you have an opportunity to share your pride at your accomplishment with a friend or loved one? It’s not bragging to say, “I’m doing this thing for me, and I’m really happy with it.” Doing so extends an invitation for others to celebrate with you in the way that you want to be celebrated.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.