Ask Eric: Retired friends are disappearing

Dear Eric: Over the past few years, several of my long-time friends have vanished from my life.

One sent a message reading, “I am retired,” and when asked how she was enjoying her retirement, sent the same message as her reply. Another asked me to vacation with her, and when I replied enthusiastically, didn’t contacted me back for two years.

The latest was a woman I walk with occasionally. She began screaming at passers-by one morning and walked off. She sent me a message later saying, “You were upset.” I replied that I was worried about her, and I haven’t heard from her since.

We all are retirement age. Are my friends descending into mental ill-health, or is it me? Am I running folks off because I am being inappropriate somehow?

Eric says: This might be a perfect storm of multiple factors. It’s possible that some of your friends are experiencing mental health struggles, while others are going through age-appropriate changes in their capacity for social engagement, and you’re bearing the brunt of all of it.

As folks get older and their priorities shift, it’s common for some friendships to fade. However, bigger shifts in personality or energy levels can indicate a problem, like depression or cognitive issues. So that’s something to look out for.

Part of this may be a communication issue. You received rather abrupt texts from your retired friend and the friend planning the vacation. It’s hard to read tone or intention over texts. A call might be helpful in clarifying where you stand.

It’s also a good idea to get an outside eye from a loved one or a counselor on how you’re coming across and how you’re approaching friendship. You don’t need to get too deep into it, if you don’t want to, but a simple “am I missing something?” will put your mind at ease regarding the appropriateness of your behavior.

Despite what’s going on with your friends, I hope you’re taking steps to avoid loneliness, which can be a major challenge for a lot of seniors. Consider exploring the programming options at a senior center or other community organization. You’ll find people who are in similar states of transition in their friendships and people who are interested in investing time in building new relationships.

Dear Eric: My cousin and his second wife moved to the small town where I live. She has everything going for her, yet she can’t seem to stop complaining.

My cousin urged/asked me to befriend her, so she’ll be happier here. When we get together, which is frequently, I am stuck listening to her complain. For example, she recently groused about a cruise they’re going on to celebrate a family wedding to which I was not invited. But there I sat, absorbing her beefs about the other guests (my relatives, mind you).

It feels like in trying to become her friend, I’ve become her dumping ground instead. She’s an anxious person, so I understand that airing her griefs might be her way of processing anxiety. But I’m not a therapist, so I lack the skills or script to shift her focus.

I’m running out of ideas and patience. So, I wonder, what would you do in my shoes?

Eric says: What you’re doing for your cousin and his wife is very nice. But niceness has its limits, and I think you’re just about there. You can be direct by saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Can we change the subject to something more positive? It’ll help both of our moods.”

You even can excuse yourself and cut the visit short when you’ve had enough. Being your cousin’s wife’s friend doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to give her an unlimited amount of your time and energy.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.