Ask Eric: Daughter’s anger strains relationship

Dear Eric: My 35-year-old daughter “Mary” and I were very close in her early 20s, after she emerged from troubled teen years of substance abuse and self-destructive behaviors. She continues to stay clean and sober, and has a successful career.

But several years ago, things went sideways between us. Everything I said made her angry. I’m always walking on eggshells, never questioning anything or bringing up any deeper topics. Because if I do, she will make a cutting remark or misconstrue my words to be a criticism.

We adopted Mary at birth, and there is a history of mental illness and substance abuse in her biological parents. She now says she has abandonment issues caused by being adopted. I’ve suggested therapy, which of course she blew up at, seeing it as a criticism.

Four years ago, my husband and I made good on our lifelong dream to sail around the world. Mary was a grown woman by then and seemed happy for us. But she has since expressed intense anger at our “abandoning” her, even though we flew back to see her while on the trip.

I love my daughter, but her anger can leave me feeling broken. I can handle things when it’s just phone calls, but it’s always worse in person. How can I keep her upcoming visit from being the emotional circus I fear it will be?

Eric says: Mary is really going through it, and you are, too. It’s so hard when no one is getting what they need.

It makes me sad that Mary isn’t willing to avail herself of therapy. Therapy isn’t a punishment or an indicator that there’s something broken about anyone; it’s a tool that can help you understand yourself and others, as well as process the things that have happened to you. It sounds like Mary’s biological parents left her with some things she needs to work through. This is understandable and it’s not something that yelling at you is going to solve.

While she may not be ready for therapy, you should go on your own, preferably to a therapist who has experience working with adoptive families. The volatile way that Mary treats you obviously has a negative impact. You need to find a way to protect yourself.

Dear Eric: I agree with your thoughts to the high school student who was juggling work and high school. As a workforce development specialist and school-work-consultant, I have an additional suggestion.

Work-based activity is increasingly being recognized as a way to gain high school and even college credit. The student should talk to a school counselor to see if they have work-based learning opportunities.

Eric says: Thanks for this suggestion. A work opportunity that also helps the letter writer achieve academic goals is an ideal solution.

Dear Eric: Last year my father’s funeral was ruined because of a rude and disrespectful security guard at the cemetery. He yelled at and became belligerent with my family for no reason. Complaints to management resulted in the cemetery manager sticking up for the guard. At no point did anyone from the cemetery apologize to me or my family.

Soon after, the cemetery also completed the grave picture wrong, and another manager refused to listen, raised her voice and was nasty when I inquired about it. More recently, my father’s vase flowers were desecrated with construction material, but the cemetery again denies any wrongdoing. I would like some advice, please.

Eric says: Document what you can through photos and saved correspondence and file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau (bbb.org). I should warn you that this isn’t an instant cure-all. The BBB can’t force a business to make things right with you, but many businesses do respond to complaints filed with the organization.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.