Ask Eric: Good friend makes bad dinners

Dear Eric: A relatively new friend has invited me to a third dinner at her home, and I do not want to attend. Her first two meals were not well-prepared and not good.

One meal included fish that had an unappetizing odor and an unpleasant “off” taste. She also served barely warm, bland mashed potatoes and overcooked, unseasoned vegetables.

When I helped her clean up after the meal, I placed the leftover fish into the refrigerator. I could tell the interior was not very cold. Perhaps the fish had been sitting in the refrigerator uncooked for too long a time and was beginning to spoil.

The second meal consisted of hummus that had been sitting out uncovered so long it had started to develop a crust. Also, there were crackers and plain, overcooked broccoli. I ate only a small amount at each meal, telling her I was not very hungry.

I do not know how to tell her I am not interested in a third invitation to dinner. Other than her cooking, she makes a good friend. How can I bow out gracefully from attending her home for meals?

Eric says: Criticizing another person’s cooking can be tricky. If you think there’s something technically awry, like the temperature of her refrigerator, you can alert her — and potentially help her avoid illness. But it sounds like the bigger issue is one of ... well, taste.

I do hate being avoidant, but in this case the most palatable path may be to ask for another activity other than dinner. Perhaps, it’s a movie or an outing instead. You could reverse the invitation and have her over. If you emphasize that you’re interested in spending time together, but you’d rather eat at home, you honor her intention without having to make an unsavory compromise.

Dear Eric: I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years. We live about 15 minutes’ drive apart.

He is widowed, and I’m divorced. We both have one adult son. Mine is 31 and his is 40. I haven’t met his son or any friends/family members, though he knows mine.

My boyfriend says he had an abusive dad, and he doesn’t much like his two siblings or their families. He has only one real friend but won’t introduce us. He said he “likes his privacy.” I put it down to his idiosyncrasies but still find it odd.

We talk for hours on a nightly basis. Previously, he has gone quiet for a week or two at times. But now, although we haven’t had a falling out, I haven’t seen him in eight months.

I feel like I am wasting my time on someone I love, who clearly doesn’t feel the same way. What is your suggestion here? I don’t want a phone-only connection.

Eric says: Something’s gotta give. If he’s happy to talk for hours every night, then he can and should spend 15 minutes of one of those hours, making the trek to your house for an in-person talk. Ask for that. If he can’t or won’t do it, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but it may mean that he’s not in a position to be the person you need right now.

Your boyfriend has communicated — perhaps not entirely effectively — his boundaries and the traumas from which they stem. Sometimes when boundaries are communicated, they can sound like rejections even if they’re not.

He may be happiest letting the relationship he has with you flourish away from other, more complicated relationships. A loving relationship needs care, empathy, compromise and understanding in order to survive. If you’re not getting that, or not getting it in the way you want, it may be healthiest for you to choose separation.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.