Ask Eric: Daughter rejects heirlooms

Dear Eric: My 31-year-old daughter, Lauren, is relocating to another state and taking only what fits in her car. She’s embracing a minimalist lifestyle and recently told me there’s nothing she wants me to pass down to her. I’ll admit I was shocked. She’s the youngest in my bloodline, and I always imagined certain heirlooms or sentimental items going to her.

I have two granddaughters from my stepdaughter, Rachel. I’m very close with both girls and have spent a lot of time with them. I also have a 5-year-old granddaughter from my stepson.

I plan to box up Lauren’s personal mementos and let her decide what to keep or discard — that feels like a reasonable boundary. But I’m struggling with what to do about my heirlooms. Do I offer them to Lauren first out of respect for her place as my biological daughter, even if she seems uninterested? Or is it OK to start thinking about passing things on to the step-grandchildren I feel close to, who might actually value them?

Eric says: It can be hard when kids don’t want or don’t have room for heirlooms or mementos. I’m glad that you’re finding other ways of honoring your family history.

You can move forward with giving them to your stepchildren and grandchildren. As you do, chat with Lauren about your plan. It’s good to check in, so that she doesn’t feel blindsided, but, more importantly, it’s good to express your own needs — the need to distribute heirlooms. This allows you to make informed decisions and to help you support each other.

Dear Eric: I am one of six friends who gather each summer. We are life-long friends in our late 60s who live all over the country. We treasure these annual gatherings of connection, laughter, support and love.

One person consistently and completely takes over group conversations with long-winded stories that focus on her life and people we don’t know. We have tried to gently stop the soliloquies by encouraging topics to include everyone, but this does not last long. One year one of us brought a box of “deep life questions” for us to discuss during the week. This helped, but it felt a bit artificial for people who have been friends for more than 55 years. What advice do you have for us to restore the conversation equilibrium?

Eric says: I have good news and bad news. The bad news: After so many years, I’m not sure that equilibrium restoration is possible. Is it realistic to hope that your sixth friend will completely change the way she interacts with you? She may have decided, all evidence to the contrary, that this is what you like.

The good news is that you have a lot of goodwill banked. You can have a one-on-one conversation with her before your next gathering and say, “I sometimes find it hard to get a word in or to feel like we’re in conversation.” You can ask her if she’d feel all right about you being more assertive about redirecting the conversation. And should all else fail, the group can call it out in the moment and directly ask her to change course.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.