Ask Eric: Social butterfly flies solo

Dear Eric: I am a middle-aged woman. For most of my life, I entertained in my home and organized outings. A lot of this was not reciprocated, but I was fine with it, because I enjoyed it, and deep down, I always suspected that if I did not make the fun, the fun would not come to me.

For the past couple of years, illness has kept me from organizing and participating in activities I used to enjoy. And I was right. No one thinks to include me anymore. And I’m mostly OK with not being included. I’m good at entertaining myself.

Here’s my problem: the people in the group I used to hang out with tend to discuss their plans for fun when I’m in the room. I try to leave when I can, but it’s not always possible. It is a sad reminder of how much of myself I’ve lost and how many people I’ve lost to my illness. Am I just being too thin-skinned? If so, what can I do to toughen up?

Eric says: Sometimes we can feel hurt in situations where we just need to change our perspective or, as you wrote, toughen up. But at other times, it’s helpful to say to friends, “Hey, my skin is a little thinner here. Handle with care.”

In your case, that might mean having one-on-one conversations with a few friends wherein you acknowledge the ways your capacity has changed and ask them to invite you to things they think you might enjoy. The curse of the social butterfly is that people assume you can take flight without assistance. And so, they also assume if you’re not joining in an activity, it’s because you’re off doing something else.

If your friends are discussing their plans in front of you, they can be nudged to think more creatively about those plans so that everyone can be involved. Talking one-on-one, as well as using concrete examples, can help get your friends thinking in different ways about how to show up for you.

Dear Eric: Mom is planning Dad’s 90th birthday party. My adult children and their children are super excited. Unfortunately, I found out that my mom will not be inviting my grandchildren or my stepdaughters’ families. I have been married to their father for more than 23 years.

My mom said it’s too much for our dad to have the extra people. She says we’re family, but I guess not. All my kids can’t come. They will all be very hurt. I just don’t know if I can attend knowing that.

Eric says: This is unfair, but I don’t think you should let it prevent you from going to the party. This is a once-in-a-lifetime celebration for your father. Your presence will be meaningful to him, which is the most important thing.

You should, however, circle back with your mother to get more information about her decision. Planning a party is a taxing affair, so see if there are ways that you can lighten her load or help her think through space, food or costs. It’s possible that she is thinking less about emotional bonds and more about logistics.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.