Ask Eric: Friend demands too many ‘favors’

Dear Eric: My friend who lives in the same apartment building doesn’t drive. She insists I take her shopping or to other places. She knows I don’t like to drive, especially when she doesn’t give me gas money. I’m ready to just say no. Should I?

Eric says: Yes. I notice that you say your friend insists, rather than asks. It seems she’s treating you like her personal taxi rather than a friend helping her out.

Have a calm but firm conversation in which you tell her that she needs to find other solutions. Perhaps there are other friends or relatives, perhaps she can make use of a grocery delivery service or perhaps she can use public transportation.

Doing kind things for friends can be mutually beneficial. We don’t always need payment as thanks. But when these generous acts don’t come with mutual respect, they can turn into resentments.

Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for about 10 years. We love each other, but it has been rocky the entire time.

We tried going to counseling, but she said she felt picked on and walked out in the middle of a session.

One evening years ago, she said that there was a work event going on at a bar she needed to attend. She was sharing her location with me from her phone. It appeared that she was at the apartment of a former work friend, John, nowhere near the bar.

For years, she has been pulling away from me. She sleeps on the couch; if I try to kiss her, she turns and gives me her cheek. We have tried to work through this, and I asked her to go back to counseling, but she refused.

Recently, I figured out the password on her phone and read the messages between her and John. It looked like they have been regularly meeting up, even though she says they haven’t. It even looked like they went to a musical together once and went walking by the beach together frequently.

The text messages look like friends chatting, not romantic.

She swears that she never met this guy outside of a group of friends. She says she went to the musical by herself, for example, even though she bought two tickets and texted John that she would see him at the show. She said she sold the two tickets and bought a single ticket and went on a different day.

She says she loves me and that the real issue is my snooping around.

We are at an impasse, and this has escalated to talk of divorce. But that is not what I want. Am I in the wrong for snooping on her phone? Or is she really good at lying to my face?

Eric says: The snooping was wrong; it’s an invasion of her privacy and you owe her an apology for that.

At the same time, I’m left wondering what version of your marriage you’re trying to get back. Putting aside John, the larger issue for you seems to be the lack of affection and communication.

You owe each other a conversation about what you think this marriage is, how each of you knows it’s working or not, and what you both need from the union. There’s a reason that you’re both staying. I don’t know that it’s a healthy reason, but from your actions, neither of you seems to want to separate.

But this is not working as it is. If you can’t have an honest conversation — without surveillance or subterfuge — it will be hard to move forward. So, ask each other: Why are we doing this? Then ask: How can we make a good faith effort to do it better?

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.