Work as a team at parent-teacher meetings

Q: I’ve heard that parents should be the only ones attending meetings with their children’s teachers. Bonus parents should not attend. My ex believes his wife should attend, but last time we tried it, she was very opinionated and took over the meeting. Our next meeting is coming up, and my child’s father is holding out that his wife should also attend. I am not comfortable with that. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: The answer is different for different families, so I can’t give you a blanket statement of whether bonus parents should or should not attend such meetings.

I will say that it’s not a good idea for co-parents and their new partners to attempt attending anything together before they are ready for it. Sounds like you all attempted this before your co-parenting relationship jelled as a team.

Here’s something to consider: If the children go back and forth between the parents’ homes and the bonus parents take an active role in helping them with their schoolwork, then the bonus parents being present at such meetings would be beneficial.

The rule that I quote most often for this sort of thing is, “Parents make the rules; bonus parents uphold those rules” (Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 4). If the bonus parent supports the rules put in place by the parents, she would be an asset at the meeting.

But if she attempts to establish precedent or openly contradicts parental observations, she would not. Bio parents feel disrespected in those cases because they don’t want bonus parents to establish precedent for their children.

My suggestion is not to look to past performance, but openly discuss what you and your co-parent feel is acceptable behavior from all of you at such meetings. Don’t point fingers and blame the other; it will take you backward. Look for the compromise (Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10).

It may be that she does not attend this meeting and you will revisit her attendance at the next one. It’s not really about who attends, but how each attendee acts at the meetings. Work as a team. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.