Ask Eric: Sibling pressured to ignore crimes

Dear Eric: After my parents died, one of my sisters told me that years ago she went to prison for human trafficking. She wasn’t sorry for it in any way and defended her actions. She may as well have told me she was a serial killer. I can’t even look at her now.

I also discovered my other sister, who became my dad’s caregiver after Mom died, was neglecting him by not giving him his medication, leaving him unsupervised (with advanced Alzheimer’s) and recklessly spending, using Dad’s credit cards. I am fed up with her, too.

My extended family is pushing me to forgive and forget. Am I wrong for turning my back on my sisters? I don’t want their toxicity touching my life or my children’s lives.

And with the pressure my relatives are putting on me, I’m ready to let them go, too. Somehow, I’ve become the villain for refusing to kiss and make up with these two terrible women.

Eric says: In your letter, I see your family pushing you to forgive and forget but I don’t see any apology, remorse or amends from your sisters. So, in reality the family members are not asking you to forgive, they’re asking you to ignore. To what end?

Turning a blind eye to transgressions that hurt a stranger and hurt your father for the sake of family peace is like trying to cover rotted floorboards with a throw rug. There’s so much wrong underneath that even if the appearance is normal, the damage will pull you down.

What your family is asking of you isn’t healthy. And, perhaps more importantly, it’s not right for you. They don’t get to dictate how you feel or how you process this disturbing information. You can, and should, put a boundary up for your own health and safety.

Dear Eric: I am a 35-year-old gay man. My mother is a duplicitous, bitter woman, and my father is a weak-willed, hateful, homophobe. I don’t particularly care for either one of them, and have never felt especially close to them.

Thankfully, I have many younger siblings and plenty of friends. I am emotionally stable and am mentally healthy. Although busy with my career, I frequently date, which is where my problem arises.

During the dating phase of a relationship, how does one tactfully make it clear that he doesn’t like to talk about his parents?

I feel like people hear that I don’t have a relationship with my parents and they pity me and/or assume that I am a sociopath because I “don’t love my Mama.” When I am getting to know another man, I couldn’t care less about the relationship he has with his parents. I’m not trying to garner their approval or get to know his family members.

Why is there such a societal importance on (specifically gay) men to keep up some fantastic relationship with their mother?

Eric says: Through dating, or, really, any social interaction, you’re likely to find people who have all kinds of relationships with their parents — close, estranged, complicated and more.

Part of getting to know other people involves filling in the biographical details with context, color, and empathy. So, if you’re encountering people who are putting an expectation on you and your relationship with your parents, know that that’s less about you and more about them.

By processing your feelings about your parents, you’ll better equip yourself to navigate these interactions. Notice, I wrote process, not bury. By talking with a friend or counselor about the difficulty you’ve had with your parents, you’ll be able to own the narrative and communicate it clearly on dates.

Even when trying to find a love story, you don’t have to live in someone else’s narrative. Not your date’s and not your parents’.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.