Asking Eric: Mooching friend needs awakening

Dear Eric: Kate and I have been friends for more than 20 years. Over 10 years ago, I would’ve considered us best friends. My husband considered her husband his best friend.

Kate treated her husband disrespectfully. Time went by, and their children spoke to him terribly, too.

He passed away unexpectedly 10 years ago. I talked to his coworkers, and he talked about how sad he was about his family life. I started slowly pulling away from Kate.

Kate used social media to ask for prayers as she mourned. She would post (and still does) memes about how she misses him. I’ve stopped communicating with her because I know the truth.

I have no interest in seeing her. She’ll call or text my husband asking if anything is wrong, and he responds that I’m busy. How do I explain that I no longer want to be friends?

Eric says: Your friend was grieving, and you ghosted her. This isn’t to say Kate’s disrespect to her husband was appropriate. But it’s possible that she did love him and is grieving his loss. Indeed, if she felt she treated him poorly, the grief may be coupled with guilt.

You know a truth, but there are many truths that are possible here. You don’t have to change your mind about her, but after being friends with her for so long, you should grant her the courtesy of a direct conversation.

Talk with her about what changed for you. Try to use “I” statements as much as possible, as in “I felt disappointed when I heard...” Don’t slip into accusations — “You were disrespectful, and I don’t want to be your friend.”

You can’t solve the problem in her marriage, but you can illuminate what went wrong in your friendship. It may not lead to reconciliation, but it will grant you both closure.

Dear Eric: Several years ago, my husband and I befriended a young man, “Bob,” struggling in the arts. We gave him use of our guest house, regularly filled the fridge, paid for every restaurant meal and provided whatever help we could.

Recently, Bob has hit the big time. He’s gotten great work, won awards and become relatively famous. We’re so happy for him and remain close. He still uses the guest house when he’s in town.

We never expected him to thank us from the awards stage or invite us to meet his new, famous friends. But the dynamics of our relationship have not changed. He still has never picked up a check or even offered to pay his share. If he needs food in the guest house, he asks us to buy it on our next grocery trip.

This is annoying me more and more, but my husband is just grateful Bob hasn’t forgotten us. He thinks I’m being petty and that any mention of this will drive our now-accomplished friend away.

We’re lucky enough to be able to afford this. But that’s not my point. Is there anything I can do to change Bob’s attitude? Or to change my own need to feel appreciated?

Eric says: I’m with you on this. It’s one thing to host someone at your guest house; it’s another to be thought of as a free bed and breakfast.

Bob may be under the impression that this is how your friendship works. He may see it less as charity than as the give-and-take of the relationship. But it’s hard to square a give-and-take when it’s all take and no give.

Try smaller adjustments, like suggesting that you split the check next time you’re out or declining to pick up the groceries. You’ll also want to ask yourself if this is just who Bob is. That doesn’t make it fair, but it may help you to recontextualize it so that it’s less annoying.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.