Dear Eric: Nearly eight months ago, my 81-year-old brother said hateful and hurtful things to me about our younger sister. At the time, I suspected he was drunk and probably frustrated from the repeated episodes of our sister’s problems, which include an eating disorder, depression and occasional binge drinking.
I distanced myself from my brother, but I have never mentioned this to our sister and am grateful that they continue to have some sort of relationship.
Recently, my three nieces and I planned an “aunties” visit. Before their arrival, my brother texted me with thanks for inviting him to join us for dinner and games, but we neither shared our plans nor invited him. It turns out that my sister, in ignorance of the rift, had told him that our nieces were coming to town.
I am at a loss for how to deal with this. I can request that he apologize for his hateful words. But truthfully, his apology won’t erase the vehemence of his words.
I understand that it takes much courage to admit one’s failings. I recognize how powerful it is to show grace when it’s easier to cling to resentment. But my brother’s actions speak volumes. I could use some advice because I’m pretty sure my nieces will ask about their uncle.
Eric says: No matter its motivation, your brother’s vitriol wasn’t appropriate, and you don’t need to stand for it. It’s perfectly fine to reply to the text by telling him that you, your sister and your nieces made plans and that you’d like to stick to what you’d planned. He doesn’t get to dictate the terms of your get-together.
You also can let him know that, while you appreciate him reaching out, the two of you need to have a conversation before you can socialize again. This isn’t meant to punish him, rather it’s a way for you to hold a healthy boundary.
If your nieces and your sister ask, tell them, “We’re not in a good place right now, and I hope that he’s able to work on it with me. I don’t want this to cast a pall over our weekend. People don’t always agree, and I’m not asking you to take sides.”
