Ask Eric: Son keeping her from getting help

Dear Eric: Last year my sister slipped and hurt her hip. She is unable to walk without a scooter or crutches. I am her only sibling that lives in this state.

When she wants to go somewhere, she relies on me. She has a son in his 20s who is very verbally abusive to me and to her.

I feel guilty when I’m not helping her, but at the same time, I’m deeply hurt at the way she allows her son to be verbally abusive to me. He controls who she talks to and answers her texts with abusive missives.

In response to me getting angry, my sister blocked me. My brother is the go-between, and he will communicate anything that I have to say.

She recently lost everything in a house fire her son started. I want to take her to the store to replace some things and bring her some clothes. But it’s very difficult when she won’t speak to me.

I’m drained by the crushing need of helping her amidst the constant verbal abuse of her son. Am I wrong for still wanting to help her, or should I just back off?

Eric says: You’re not wrong. You care about your sister’s well-being, and she’s asked for your assistance in the past. She’s also in a dangerous and difficult position with her son. So, your presence in her life can be an important resource, not just for help getting to the store, but as someone she can lean on to help her escape her son’s abuse.

Try to separate your sister from her son’s behavior. Her blocking you isn’t an appropriate response, but she may not feel she has many options and is choosing to control what she can.

Talk to your brother about the concerns you have about your sister’s son, and then talk to your sister away from her son. Assure her that help is available — from you and her other siblings. And offer to help her create a safety plan that can be implemented by those experiencing abuse. You can find more information about safety plans at the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s site, TheHotline.org.

Dear Eric: I was raised that, when a friend suffered a loss, we would go to the house with food, flowers or just to offer our support. If the person was too far away, we’d call and send a card or flowers.

Six months ago, my son died unexpectedly of a heart attack, and I’ve been dealing with unbearable grief while at the same time having to deal with his affairs mostly alone.

My two oldest friends, one of 25 years and the other of 19 years, are in the immediate area but didn’t call, visit or even send a card. I feel like maybe I never even mattered. It’s been six months, and they have avoided me this whole time.

You can imagine I don’t want anything to do with them ever again. But my question is why are they doing this?

Eric says: I’m so sorry. What your friends have done is heartbreaking.

I’ve found that people often get stuck not knowing what to say or do to help someone experiencing grief, and so they say nothing. We think that if we had the right words, we could make some of it better, but if we say the wrong thing we risk making the unimaginable even worse. Neither is true.

To get an answer to your question of why, you may want to tell them how their behavior affected you. I don’t think doing it now is going to help. It’s more important that you continue to process what you’re feeling with your husband and with others who can support you. But there may come a day where you want to get some closure.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.