Ask Eric: Right action, wrong result

Dear Eric: I recently left a members-only business network group to which I belonged for many years. I was a very active member. I consistently gave many more client referrals than I received. I was happy overall with the business sent my way, so I kept renewing my membership and didn’t complain about the unbalanced ledger.

Plus, I believe that it is better to err on the side of generosity. I had good long-term relationships with everyone, whether we did business together or not.

But in the last couple of years, I started experiencing rude and obnoxious behavior toward me, outright lying, powerplays and subpar service levels provided by some of the members. Also, the referrals to me almost stopped. I have asked a few members for advice, and they could not think of anything I should do differently to be more referable.

I am puzzled why I would get this treatment. Is karma still a thing? If so, why did I get so much bad in return for so much good? I just wish I knew what the mistakes were.

Eric says: I don’t see mistakes here. It sounds like there were perhaps some members who were out for themselves, and that might have skewed your experience. But I believe you’re correct that generosity is often the best tactic.

In the future, if you feel you’re not being treated fairly or that you’re not getting enough value from something for which you’re paying — with time or energy — I hope you’ll feel empowered to speak up. This will help prevent the feeling of being taken advantage of. You still can be generous while being assertive.

Dear Eric: Thirty years ago, at the age of 29, I was sent by my missionary organization to South America. There, I met three middle-aged volunteers: Mary, Jane and Beth. Because I didn’t speak Spanish and Mary and Jane knew English, I became close to them.

Jealousy soon flared up between them. Jane started telling me to be careful of Mary because she believed Mary was infatuated with me. I was celibate, and I made that clear to Jane. Despite this, Jane kept insisting to the point where I had to ask her to stop coming to our center.

I stayed there for five years. Mary came to our center every day, and when I left, we kept in touch. Ten years ago, Beth finally confirmed to me that Jane was right — that Mary had feelings for me and had even told her that she didn’t care that she was married and I was a celibate. That upset me. Since then, I’ve been ghosting Mary and feeling guilty toward Jane.

Is it my responsibility to make amends? Should I confront Mary about the injustice toward Jane?

Eric says: Your personal standard may be different from mine — in which case, follow your own, of course — but I don’t think you’re obligated to make amends to Jane nor confront Mary. This reads to me like an issue that was about you but didn’t involve you. After all this time, you might do well to let it stay in the past.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.