Ask Eric: Grandson trapped in parents’ divorce

Dear Eric: My oldest daughter is going through a rough divorce. Her soon to be ex-husband is asking for alimony and extra expenses. He thinks she owes it to him because of her infidelity. She met her new boyfriend when she was still married.

This has put my grandson in a difficult and confusing situation. He is 17, and he loves both his parents. He feels he has to be loyal to his dad, because his dad says he is the victim. But he also acknowledges that he has never seen his mother so happy. They had a contentious marriage that made her quite anxious and unhappy.

I want to help my grandson navigate through this challenging time. What advice can I give him?

Eric says: I’m so glad your grandson has you to help him during this time. He needs a trusted adult nearby who can tell him things he really needs to hear. Things like: “It’s not right that you’re being put in the middle of this contentious divorce.” And: “No matter what you do, you’re not being disloyal to either parent. They have a responsibility to show up for you and make sure you know you’re loved unconditionally. They might fail at that — they’re human — but when they do, remember that this isn’t something that you caused.”

Most of all, remind him that he doesn’t have to pick a side. And make sure your grandson knows that he’s a priority for you.

The way he’s being leveraged by his father is very inappropriate. It provides an opportunity for you to guide your grandson through an important part of growing up: seeing his parents as humans. Like all humans, they make mistakes sometimes, and they give into their worst instincts. This doesn’t make them unworthy of love.

Help your grandson develop internal boundaries while you advocate on his behalf with the adults in his life. This will help him have healthier relationships with his parents and with future partners.

Dear Eric: I was in a relationship with my Yves for about five years. During that time, we were well-off and supported each other. Yves eventually ghosted me without an explanation, though I can admit we weren’t as close as we had been at the start of our relationship.

Later, a friend, who is a close relative of Yves, mentioned that Yves was dating someone named Tiffany. The situation took an unexpected turn a few months later when Tiffany called me asking for money. She said she needed help with rent because Yves refused to lend her any, but he said I would.

When I told her this wasn’t my concern, she argued that because we both dated Yves, we should be friends. Yves is a great person, but should I trust Tiffany?

Eric says: Oh, how I wish I could put up a billboard in your town that reads “For the love of all that is good, dear letter writer, please do not give Tiffany so much as the time of day.”

Yves ghosted you after five years and then told his new girlfriend to ask you for money? Where is he getting the gall? Is there a gall mine in your town?

I wonder what Tiffany thinks you have in common besides Yves and, she hopes, the money. I think these people are trying to manipulate you. Don’t let them.

Dear Eric: Regarding the letter from the reader who was looking for a “snappy comeback” for relatives wondering why/when/if her daughter plans to be married, I suggest she say: “Why would you ask that?” That puts a spotlight on the intrusiveness of the question. Regardless of the inquirer’s response, a simple “I see” ends the conversation.

Eric says: Love that!

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.