Ask Eric: Over 60, man wants a baby

Dear Eric: Is it normal for an unmarried man over 60 to want a baby? Where should he look for a marriage-minded young woman willing to accept the age difference? How should he deal with the social stigma against May-December relationships?

Eric says: Anyone who is thinking about becoming a parent would be wise to ask themselves what’s at the root of that desire, how a child can fit into their life and lifestyle, what skills and traits they have that would benefit a child, and what skills they can learn to help them be a better parent.

In short, they should go into it with eyes as wide open as possible. If you haven’t already, start by asking yourself those questions and see what comes up.

Investigating your feelings also will help you to be a better potential partner and prepare you for conversations with said partner about being an older parent and the stigma of May-December relationships. Be honest on dates and dating sites about what your hopes are and why.

The questions also might lead you to another answer: perhaps you want to be a positive presence for a child in another way, like volunteering, fostering or engaging more with relatives and friends and their children. Maybe you don’t actually want a baby. Maybe what you’re really yearning for is family. There are so many different ways to create and grow a family.

Dear Eric: I read the letter from the reader whose senior citizen brother always leaves a mess when he visits and expects her to clean up after him. I recently retired after working many years as a social worker. I had many conversations with clients who were older, often male, and complained that their rotten family members were not willing to help them.

The truth often is that the family got fed up with the individual’s meanness and set a boundary of refusing to be taken advantage of by the person. If the reader’s refusal to allow her brother to take advantage of her in this way ends their relationship, it wasn’t anything to salvage in the first place.

There are agencies in every state that can offer help people like the brother. Your letter writer needs to engage her backbone and say “no.”

Eric says: Sometimes with family members, part of setting a boundary involves saying “I need you to be a part of the solution, too.” The letter writer’s brother can find assistance and empowerment through a local agency. Hopefully, this helps the letter writer to adjust their dynamic.

Dear Eric: This is for the grandmother who wants to visit her grandchildren and daughter whose mother-in-law now resides in the guest room: Surely the daughter and her mother-in-law must have undergone some trauma to get to this housing arrangement. It seems cruel to ask the mother-in-law to leave so Granny can visit.

Perhaps a workable idea would be for Granny to ask her daughter when she could visit that would be of help to her, insisting on staying at a (hopefully) nearby hotel. Granny could offer to take the kids out for some quality time alone with them to a park or museum or to any possible after-school games, club or activities. This visit also could include the kids staying overnight for an “adventure” at the hotel with the grandparents, and give the daughter a much-need, much-welcome break.

Eric says: Thank you for these suggestions. I wholeheartedly agree. If it’s within the letter writer’s means, a hotel stay is a great start. More importantly, as you pointed out, there’s an opportunity to relieve some of the tension in the house by being sensitive to the mother in-law’s situation and asking the daughter what would be most helpful.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.