Ask Eric: Meetings become a gripe session

Dear Eric: I was a latch-key kid in the 1970s, no father, working mom of three kids. No one was ever there to read me a story or catch a ball.

I now have a 7-year-old daughter. I thrive watching her in her weekly two-hour gym class and Girl Scout meetings, where I am a troop leader.

My issue: A Girl Scout dad engages me during troop meetings, telling me about his ugly separation and upcoming divorce, usually within earshot of the kids. I offer simple responses to give him the message that I am busy. I say: “Wow,” “that’s awful,” or “sorry to hear that,” all while keeping my eyes on the kids.

He hasn’t gotten the message. What can I say or do to get this guy to leave me alone?

Eric says: You’ve found a beautiful and deeply impactful way of giving your daughter the things that you didn’t get as a child. I hope it continues to be a rewarding and healing relationship.

And I understand that this guy is going through a tough moment, and it seems like he needs an ear. That’s no crime. But he needs to choose a better moment.

You don’t have to parent another parent, but clear redirection is necessary. Try speaking with him before or after a meeting. Tell him what you’ve noticed and suggest an alternative that will help you both better serve the troop.

You can say, “It’s really important for me to give my full attention to what’s going on with the scouts in these meetings. Sometimes you’ll tell me stories, and it pulls me away. I don’t want to be rude, so can we keep the conversation focused on the troop while we’re in here?”

You can be even more direct by telling him that you don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about his divorce within earshot of the kids. If he can’t or won’t respect that, that’s on him. By remaining focused on what you’re there to do, you’re helping yourself, your daughter, his daughter and setting a good example for him.

Dear Eric: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for roughly two years. He hadn’t told his grown daughters he was dating. I asked that he tell them because I didn’t want to be a secret.

His 24-year-old was accepting, according to him. The 27-year-old was not happy and said she had past trauma from his last relationship and that she had started therapy. She told him she needed space from him to work on those traumas.

He lost his first wife to cancer (the daughter’s mother). He remarried two years later because he was trying to have a mother figure in their lives, but that relationship didn’t last. How can he and I move forward to what could be marriage if his daughter doesn’t approve of him being with me?

Eric says: It’s important to let her work through whatever she needs to work through. You can be encouraged by the fact that she communicated her needs clearly to her father and that she’s already in therapy. Those are some of the building blocks of a healthy relationship.

Don’t try to prod her or speed up the process. It will take the time it takes. In the interim, however, I think it’s important that you and your boyfriend start pre-marital therapy.

There are a few things that might create stumbling blocks for you, and this is a great time for you to explore them. You already might know what aspects of his past relationships were traumatic for his daughters, but a therapist can help you process them and come up with new strategies so that the relationship you build with each other and with his daughters is healthier and happier.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.