Ask Eric: Hubby’s old flame keeps tagging him

Dear Eric: An old high school girlfriend of my husband’s creates social media posts about him and tags him, including photos of him or of the two of them together. In my husband’s defense, he always has responded with only a short neutral comment or reaction.

On our shared desktop one day, I was signing him out of his email to sign into mine (a common event in our house). While I was doing this, I saw an unread email inviting him to connect with her on another business networking site. Although the email was not directly from her, it still put an instant pit in my stomach. He said he didn’t know why she asked to connect, but maybe she was thinking about changing jobs and added that he rarely used that site.

I trust my husband, so ideally that should be that. We’ve been married for more than 30 years. She is recently divorced but lives in another state, so the only connection he has with her is through social media.

I spoke with my husband about how this situation bothers me, and I thought it may be best to ignore this latest message. But I felt he should know I want to address it with her if she does it again. He agreed with me.

I’ve been preparing a short note on how posting about another woman’s husband is inappropriate, but now am pondering what’s best: Addressing it only from me? Addressing it only from my husband? Addressing it from both of us?

Additionally, should I wait to address it with her until she posts again, or address it right away? Or should I not address it at all?

Eric says: The last option — not addressing it — is your best bet. Drawing her into a debate about her actions is just going to add more stress to your life. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the continued attention, he should block her.

Dear Eric: A childhood friend cheated on his wife when we were in our late 40s. Our families were very close, and my wife became his wife’s main emotional support person during a very painful divorce. He was a jerk during the whole incident, and it broke up our friendship.

Now, years later, he has sent me a friend request on Facebook. My wife says it’s my choice, I know she prefers that I ignore it. But part of me is still mourning the loss of this decades-long friendship, and I feel like I need to respond. I’m torn. What’s your advice?

Eric says: It sounds like your friend has some amends to make for the rift he caused. Perhaps this request is a first step toward that. It also sounds like you’re not quite done with this relationship either.

Your friend may have changed or grown. It makes sense that your wife doesn’t want any more to do with him, but I don’t see the harm in you responding to see where he stands.

Dear Eric: In response to the mom whose son is addicted to drugs and who stated that Al-Anon groups are too “hard core” for her, I suggest she keep looking for a group that fits her needs.

I have been a member for 20 years, and we do not give advice or tell people what to do. We share our experience, strength and hope. There should be nothing “hard core” about Al-Anon. It is a gentle program, and we all recover at our own speed. Also, if she is not comfortable with meetings, she may benefit from reading the literature available at al-anon.org.

Eric says: I, too, hope that she is able to find a group that speaks to her. They’re a great benefit to so many.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.