Dear Eric: We live in the same town as my son’s family. He and his wife have two little boys. Our daughter-in-law’s mother takes charge and makes plans for every holiday. And we are never invited, despite our invites to them whenever we’ve squeezed in some plans.
My son knows how we feel but begs us not to say anything because his wife’s parents are so touchy. We don’t want to cause trouble for him, but it is getting pretty hard to remain silent. Thoughts?
Eric says: Your son should say something to his in-laws about this. I understand that no one is under any obligation to invite anyone else into their home and that this “touchy” relationship likely has other pain points. But you need an advocate, and it’s (relatively) easier for him to stand up for you than for you to insert yourself.
Short of that, however, you might want to have a conversation with your son and daughter-in-law about sharing holidays. The intention isn’t to incite a turf war. Rather, by saying, “I’m hosting Thanksgiving (or whatever) this year, and I’d like for you to come,” you start to rebalance the scales.
The in-laws’ wants and plans don’t have to be the default. By asking for what you want (or a version of what you want), you’ll also be giving your son and daughter-in-law the chance to exercise their own autonomy. Maybe they don’t want to automatically go to her parents’ every time. Maybe with two youngsters, they want to start some holiday traditions at their own home.
Splitting family holidays can get complicated, but it’s important to remember the ultimate goal is quality time together, in whichever configuration works best.
The torture of dementia
Dear Eric: I’m a sophomore in high school. My grandma has dementia, and it’s getting worse. We convinced her to move into a nursing home a few months ago because we can’t provide the constant care she needs.
She forgets who we are sometimes, which is hard for all of us. She was such a big part of my life, but now I can barely get through visits without breaking down.
