Ask Eric: Grandma is overworked

Dear Eric: I am a 76-year-old man. My best friend is a woman who is 75. Her son and daughter-in-law have an 11-year-old and two children under three. The son frequently asks her to provide child-care for overnights and weekends so they can take short trips.

Although my friend is pretty active and we enjoy outings ourselves, we are often not able to do the things we want to do because she has to provide childcare. She loves to spend time with her grandchildren, but overnight and weekend visits with two very young kids are physically demanding and exhausting for her.

She seems to be unable to say no to this level and frequency of childcare and is afraid she might end up not being able to see her grandkids at all.

I think her son and daughter-in-law take advantage of her. I don’t think they consider their impact on my friend’s abilities and limitations or her desire to do other things that she enjoys. Do you have suggestions on how to limit her son’s frequent requests?

Eric says: If she wants to make some changes, she can talk with her son and daughter-in-law about her desire to remain an active part of their lives while recognizing the ways her capacity is changing. Maybe overnights need to be phased out, or she might need to decline more. You can offer these as suggestions to her, but this has to be her doing and her decision.

I wonder if some of the frustration you’re feeling is more solidly rooted in not getting all that you want from this friendship. That’s fine to feel, but you’d be doing her and yourself a disservice by presenting her with another problem to solve, rather than supporting her as she works through this.

As her best friend, it’s possible that you know her son and daughter-in-law and their kids. If that’s the case, you might offer to help her with childcare. This is dependent on the parents’ comfort level and should be discussed. But, if it works for everyone involved, you may be able to lighten your friend’s load while also getting the quality time with her you both want.

Dear Eric: I lost my oldest, beautiful, intelligent daughter five years ago at 38. She left behind two young sons and a spouse.

I’m often faced with the tough question “How many kids do you have?” I have three kids; two are alive and one is not. If I say I have two kids, it usually avoids further discussion, but it’s not the truth. It feels really awkward, especially when the other person is just being friendly. Do you have a magical answer?

Eric says: I wish I had a magical answer, but in its place, I’ll humbly offer a human one. It depends on where the awkwardness is coming from. If you feel awkward when you answer that you have three kids, that could be your heart’s way of asking you to be gentle with yourself. But if the awkwardness is coming from others, I’d encourage you to tell the true answer and let them deal with their own feelings about it.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.