Ask Eric: Friends never initiate social plans

Dear Eric: My wife and I have a fair number of friend groups. We enjoy social gatherings, especially dinners out, with all the groups. But only one or two of the couples ask us out as much as we ask them.

The majority of the other couples only seem to go out with us when we initiate it, although they seem to go out frequently with other mutual friends.

We’re certain they enjoy our company as much as we enjoy theirs and they readily accept our invitations when available, but we feel we’d never hear from them unless we initiate the contact. I don’t think we’re insecure, but it verges on annoying, and we’re tempted to constructively confront some of the couples (one or two of them) about this one-sidedness. Is there a diplomatic way to do this, or should we just let it go?

Eric says: Something simple but direct like “we like spending time with you, and it would mean a lot if you initiated plans next time” can start the conversation. Some people aren’t initiators. If you’re always initiating, they may think of you as the de facto planners and initiating may not cross their minds. Proactivity can be coached, even if you have to be the ones to initiate the conversation.

Dear Eric: I’ve been in a relationship with a man for seven years. We’ve lived together for about six years and also have a child together. I pay for everything, which is annoying. But the worst is that my partner always uses the last of something. It makes me extremely frustrated and just flat-out angry.

Whenever I confront him about it, he admits to taking the last of whatever it is, says sorry and that’s it. He has never ever replaced something. I have tried everything to get him to, at least, let me know when he uses the last of something, so that I can replace it before I need or want it. But he never even does that.

I know this may seem trivial to some people, but it’s a huge pet peeve for me. Every time it happens — which is every day — I feel myself getting that much closer to breaking up with him. Is there any way I can get him to stop doing this? Or do you think that maybe I’m in the wrong here?

Eric says: Oh, the pain of going to the cookie jar, heart set on a treat, and finding only air. It’s like a papercut — not the worst thing, by far, but it does sting.

You can do things like leaving reminder notes — “If you take this, tell me” — or even stashing one of everything you want in a secret place. But I don’t think that’s going to solve the core issue.

You’re rightfully frustrated, but I wonder how much of this frustration is about your partner’s annoying habit and how much is about the imbalance in your relationship. Why do you pay for everything? Why do you have to be the one to replace things? It’s easy to see how your partner’s actions could lead you to feel unvalued or even taken advantage of.

This warrants a state of the relationship conversation. And we’re not just talking about the pantry. Inventory the whole household. Where are you not feeling supported? What are the things that once worked for the two of you that no longer work for you? And what are you two going to do to fix them? He may reach into the box of solutions and come up empty, or he may not have a desire to meaningfully change. That could be all the answer you need.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.