Ask Eric: Aunt wants info about adopted niece

Dear Eric: Twenty-six years ago, my mother worked with a married woman who was pregnant with her fourth child but couldn’t afford to add another child to her family. My sister and husband had a son and wanted a daughter. My mom arranged for the two women to meet, and my sister adopted the baby.

For some reason, my sister and her husband decided not to tell her daughter that she was adopted. Therefore, everyone in our family has kept this a secret.

My mom is now 85, and my sister and her husband are in poor health. Should I ask my mom for the birth mother’s name and address? I believe my sister has destroyed all documents regarding the adoption, so I doubt any paperwork would be discovered by my niece after her passing.

If my niece ever questioned her heritage, then I would have some information to share with her. I’m struggling because, on one hand, I think this is none of my business, but on the other hand, I think my niece deserves to know the truth when or if the time comes. I would not initiate the conversation.

Eric says: Ask for the information. Your sister and her husband put your whole family in an unfair position by making this a lifelong secret. Your niece deserves to know her history, and she should be able to choose whether or not she wants a connection with her birth family.

While DNA testing wasn’t prevalent 26 years ago, it’s quite common now. Your niece could find out she’s not related to her parents by blood at any time. So, it’s best that someone in the family is able to answer the questions she’s bound to have.

You also might talk to your sister and brother-in-law about your plans. This isn’t meant to force them into doing something they don’t want to do. But knowing that you’ll be able to bridge the gap in your niece’s knowledge may prompt them to have a conversation with their daughter.

Dear Eric: There are a group of us who play a tile game each week. While we all are friends — sharing stories, food, life events, etc. — there is one person who continually monopolizes the game.

She will hold the bag of tiles during her turn and talk, not passing it until she is done. While this is a social time, if you are waiting to play (and also hard of hearing), it becomes a nuisance.

Recently she also has started reading her email during the game, actually talking about each one and sending a reply to each. This is while others are playing. Then, of course, when it’s her turn, she looks up from her phone to tell a story.

I must confess I seem to be the only one annoyed by this, so maybe I just need to let it go? Any suggestions?

Eric says: Even if it’s not evidently bothering others, it’s affecting you so there’s little harm in inquiring about it.

I like to approach these ... let’s say, quirks in personalities with curiosity first. So, you might talk to her one on one and say, “I’ve noticed that you check email while we’re playing. Is there a reason?”

Starting with a question sets you up to let it go if need be. Maybe it helps her concentrate. Maybe she doesn’t see it in the same way you do. Context, I find, often is a steppingstone to acceptance.

That said, if it’s so distracting that it impedes your game play, it’s also fine to ask her to tone it down. The group gathers for social interaction and to pass the time, so it’s fair for you to advocate for what you need to make the social time truly enjoyable.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.