Adult kids still living at home? There’s a psychologist for that.

When Rick and Amy Friebe graduated from college, the Gen Xers never considered moving in with their parents. And neither did many of their peers. “I would have been willing to — and I did — sleep on couches if I was between housing,” Amy said.

But today, the St. Anthony couple share their home with both of their 20-something children, members of a generation increasingly known for living with their folks. The rate of 18- to 29-year-olds who remain in the family home rose steadily since its 1960s low of 30% before peaking at 52% in the early months of the COVID pandemic.

Parents of older Gen Zers recognize that cultural and economic shifts are causing their offspring to enter adulthood under far different circumstances than they did. And that multigenerational living is common in other countries. Yet even though many arrangements are copacetic, or temporary, some parents, including the Friebes, are frustrated by their children’s struggle to achieve long-term independence.

Shoreview psychologist Jack Stoltzfus, author of “The Parent’s Launch Code,” decided to specialize in these relationships after realizing that information about nurturing adult children was scarce relative to abundant resources on parenting young children. “I think there’s a bias in our culture that once they turn 18, or 21, parenting is done,” he said. “But you never stop being a parent.” Stoltzfus’ focus is helping parents transition their adult children to greater self-sufficiency, while maintaining a positive connection.

Stoltzfus is mindful of the many broken parent-adult child relationships — a recent study found 26% of respondents had experienced a period of estrangement with their father and 6% with their mother — and the importance of this foundational bond. One of the largest longitudinal studies on human well-being, he notes, concluded that having a good relationship with your parents strongly predicted a happy and successful adulthood.

At one point, Amy and Rick Friebe’s struggles over their living situation led them to consider retracting the welcome mat. “We thought we needed to do something,” Amy said. “A tough love sort of approach.”

But instead of showing their kids the door, they made an appointment with Stoltzfus.

Stoltzfus grew up with a Silent Generation father who never said, “I love you.” He was a good person, Stoltzfus says, but could be critical and emotionally distant, mirroring the era’s authoritarian or hands-off fathering norms.

When baby boomers like him became parents, Stoltzfus says, they were more invested in their children’s happiness and success. Some got too invested, creating the helicopter-parent stereotype. But, generally, parents’ increased emotional involvement benefited both generations, Stoltzfus says, by imparting a greater sense of connection.

While multigenerational households are becoming more common in the United States — nearly 20% of all Americans live in one, a threefold increase since the 1970s — Stoltzfus notes that their prevalence is among the lowest worldwide, leading to cultural taboos. In India, he says, it would be unusual for someone in their early 20s to live outside the family home. “Here, if you have that person at home, it’s a concern.”

Rising housing costs are a major driver of the increase in young adults remaining in their parents’ homes. Since 2000, inflation-adjusted median household incomes have barely increased, while the corresponding cost of rent and price of single-family homes have risen 20% and 65% respectively. Millennials are the first generation predicted to earn less than their parents and a majority receive financial support from their parents.

Both of the Friebes’ kids attended the University of Minnesota, and since Amy and Rick’s house is relatively close to the Twin Cities campus, their daughter and son, now 24 and 22, spent much of that time living with them to save money. But the Friebes say that emotional maturity was also a factor.

Stoltzfus says that young adults’ fear of failure can cause them to view the known environment of their parents’ home as a safer option than sharing space with roommates, which can entail more social effort — and discomfort.

In addition, our post-COVID, everything-digital culture has led many young adults to connect with peers via devices, Stoltzfus says, at the expense of hanging out in real life. And interacting virtually makes it harder to develop interpersonal skills. “It’s not the real deal of being able to be face-to-face with somebody,” he said.

Rick could understand his children’s hesitancy to trade a relatively carefree childhood for greater responsibility and risk, especially as today’s young people change jobs and geographies more frequently. “You kind of have to grieve the loss of your youth and embrace this unknown,” Rick said.

And yet the Friebes regret that their kids aren’t meeting as many new people or expanding their universe as easily as they did during their own post-college years, when friend groups casually intermingled. “Living with roommates there are good and bad experiences, but they’re still experiences,” Amy said. “And you learn things from it.”

Stoltzfus has three children who transitioned to adulthood with relative ease, which he refers to as something of an “undeserved blessing.” He can’t guarantee results, he says, as he’s worked with loving parents who have done so many things right, and yet have adult children who struggle with financial precarity, relationships, mental health issues or substance use. But he urges parents to rethink earlier generations’ sink-or-swim approach to pushing kids out of the nest.

The four pillars of a successful “launch” into adulthood, Stoltzfus says, are establishing a stable sense of self; financial, physical and emotional self-sufficiency; significant relationships outside the family, and a positive connection with parents.

To help adult children achieve these things, Stoltzfus suggests that parents approach them with love and acceptance, while also setting boundaries. “Parents have to find this sweet spot of nurturance and firmness, or love and backbone,” he said. No, he added, is not a four-letter word. “Parents have to think, What’s the right decision here? Not whether the person’s going to be happy or not, but in the long run, what’s going to be most helpful to them?”

When Stoltzfus meets with families, he asks the young adult to share what they’d like to be doing in five years. “None of them say they want to be living with Mommy and Daddy,” Stoltzfus said. Then both generations collaborate on a plan for the young adult to find a new residence (which often first involves improving their finances), while setting expectations for the interim.

Establishing a compact helps parents shift their focus from the daily battles to a long-term positive goal, Stoltzfus says. In providing developmental scaffolding for their children vs. trying to control them, the parent transitions from the role of nag to coach.

Stoltzfus likes to tell adult children that they can pave their path to independence by participating in home life as if their parents were roommates: taking out the trash, washing dishes and picking up their dirty socks. Then the adult child chooses to either abide by the plan, or live somewhere else. “It’s almost like they’re kicking themselves out,” he said.

An additional complexity of modern parenting, Stoltzfus says, is the rise in mental health diagnoses, such as ADHD, anxiety disorders and autism. Several of Stoltzfus’ clients whose adult children struggle with executive function and social interactions say it’s hard to discern their child’s capabilities. How much of their parental dependence is due to laziness or carelessness, and how much is a disability?

It’s understandable that parents of children with mental health challenges perceive their children as fragile and lower their expectations, Stoltzfus says. But he urges parents to try to see their kids’ capacity for competence. “At the deepest level, parents fear suicide,” he explained. “Because their kids seem depressed or anxious, they think, ‘I don’t want to push them too much.’ But it ends up not helping them develop a certain resilience or grit that they need to be able to take risks and launch out on their own.”

Several months ago, the Friebes’ daughter secured a full-time job. Their son, who graduated from college in December, has one, too. While neither yet has the financial stability to comfortably live on their own, they’re both on five-year plans to move out, which involve paying rent and performing household chores. Although Rick noted that he and Amy had given their children a message similar to Stoltzfus’, he said it had more impact coming from a professional, neutral third-party.

Rick acknowledges that economic conditions make it more difficult for their kids to just “figure it out” as he and Amy once did. The couple know several parents who subsidize their adult children’s rent. “Managing our expectations for the path is also part of the program,” Rick said.

Amy says she sometimes feels people may be judging her and Rick because their adult children live at home, when other recent college grads are already on higher-earning career tracks or buying houses. “As a parent, you feel very sheepish saying, ‘Yeah, they’re living at home’ when everyone assumes you’re an empty-nester.”

But as more parents and young adults are honest about their circumstances, she thinks the dynamic will change. “There should be less stigma,” she said. “If that’s what is financially feasible or just makes most sense at the moment, it should be OK.”