Medcalf: Upcoming healing conference in St. Paul aims to support Black fathers

From Dr. Nathan Chomilo’s perspective, every father has an opportunity to become a better father.

“Some folks become dads before they’re ready,” said Chomilo, a Twin Cities doctor who has incorporated racial equity into his practice. “Then they wonder, ‘Did I miss out? Did I lose my chance?’ And at any point that you’re ready to tap in and be a dad, it will make a difference in your child’s life.”

Chomilo and the other speakers who will be at the 17th Annual Community Empowerment Through Black Men Healing Conference on Thursday and Friday at Saint Paul College aim to inspire participants to grow in their fatherhood journeys.

The event was founded by Sam Simmons, a behavioral consultant and a radio host at KMOJ.

The emphasis of this year’s conference is on Black fathers, a group that’s often misunderstood and stereotyped. Conference organizers hope to create a support system for participants as they navigate their roles as parents and pivotal contributors in the lives of their children.

At the conference, attendees can connect with clinicians and other health experts at a time of increasing disparities in the Black community and fewer resources to address those disparities.

That’s a critical element for all communities, but especially for Black fathers.

“It really is a powerful space to connect with other Black men, other folks who are invested in Black men’s health and healing, hear folks share their truth about what the challenges are, but also what our strengths are and process a lot of the different things that we’ve been through together,” Chomilo said.

If I am a decent father, it’s because I had a strong role model. My father’s presence in my life has played a definitive role in my own progress. He did not always say a lot after working 12-hour shifts at a factory in Milwaukee, but he was always there. He showed up to all my events.

A track meet in Lacrosse, Wisconsin? He would be in the stands. A basketball game in a park? He’d be there too. Parent-teacher conferences, school board meetings, football games and more. I just remember my father always being present and also holding me accountable.

In my own 17-year journey as a father of three incredible daughters, I’ve also learned that being there is the starting point. Presence over perfection should be the goal for any father. And this conference aims to encourage Black fathers, no matter what their current relationship is with their children, to build those bonds. While a multitude of statistics show that Black fathers are more present than any media stereotype would suggest, there is always room for improvement.

Chomilo said he hopes the conference can provide that catalyst and community for those who need them.

“Normalizing things like therapy, that’s certainly something in my household that wasn’t really ever talked about,” he said. “I didn’t really know anyone in therapy, but it’s something that I have found is very useful ... And it’s something that is now just part of my healthy routine, keeping myself healthy, keeping myself being able to be healthy for my kids.”

But there is another key component in this conference: healing. Most of the Black kids I knew in my youth had present fathers. In my community, however, Black men often chose resilience and strength over vulnerability.

My father never told me how hard it was. He never mentioned anything about the tough days even though I knew he’d had them. He never said if his own childhood had impacted both his strengths and weaknesses in fatherhood.

We need to talk more, as Black men and Black fathers. Because our collective refusal to open up is literally killing us.

“Sadly, and perhaps not surprisingly, suicide rates among Black men are also climbing,” a 2024 article on the American Psychological Association’s website states. “For the first time, so-called ‘deaths of despair’— deaths from suicide, alcohol use, and drug overdoses — are now higher among Blacks than Whites, tripling from 36.24 per 100,000 people in 2013 to 103.81 per 100,000 people in 2022.”

Acknowledging mental health needs for some Black men remains a challenge because of the stigma. Plus, some of us were raised to believe that “healing” is rooted in religion alone. But Chomilo and I are also among a growing number of Black men and Black fathers who’ve recently been unashamed to talk through things with professionals that our fathers often held inside.

I’d like to believe that can help all of us become better fathers, which is the goal of this week’s conference.

“I think part of it is that there is no one perfect way to be a dad, right?” Chomilo said. “I think that all dads can appreciate that message, but certainly Black fathers.”