Ask Eric: In-law’s demands test patience

Dear Eric: I would like to get along better with my niece’s wife, and I’m hoping you might offer some strategies.

The wife’s a nice person, but she’s high maintenance in ways that make whatever group she’s in bend to keep her comfortable. The boat tour has to go a certain speed, so she doesn’t get queasy. Or she has to drive, even if she doesn’t know the roads and isn’t a good driver.

I don’t have an issue with her doing what she needs to take care of herself, but whatever it is often impacts the entire group and leaves us all flailing to meet her requests. And my once-adventurous niece no longer takes adventures because of her wife.

I’m not asking for advice about their relationship, but for mine with the wife. I don’t want to be a person who has little tolerance for special requests. I’m just not sure how not to be annoyed by them.

Eric says: You might take a lesson from your niece’s wife and start to think in advance about what you’ll need to enjoy yourself the next time you’re all together.

This isn’t an attempt to put this all on you. And I’m sure there’s some things you can’t avoid. It’s impractical to, say, charter another boat. But perhaps you can ride in a different car. Knowing how your niece’s wife might react to certain situations can empower you to speak up for what you need, as well.

Part of this, I’m sure, is rooted in concern for your niece. It’s hard to enjoy ourselves when we see our loved ones suffer. This may be how she feels when she sees her wife ailing, as well. So, without dipping too far into armchair psychology, you can talk to her about what you’re observing and listen to what she says. Ask if there are ways that the family can help support her and her wife, and see if she’s open to brainstorming ways that everyone can have a good time.

A conversation might not solve everything, but it can open the door to creative solutions and help you feel acceptance instead of annoyance.

Dear Eric: My sister passed away recently after a lengthy illness. My husband’s cousins have responded with calls, cards and messages — except for one of them.

We attended the funeral of this cousin’s mother last year, and my husband spoke at the service. I have yet to receive any acknowledgment from this cousin, even though she and her husband speak to my husband often and are aware of the death.

I have not mentioned this to my husband because he and his cousin are close. She and her husband are retired and seem to do a lot of entertaining, so I don’t think they are too busy to call or send a card.

I always believed that as soon as someone heard about a passing, it was appropriate to reach out to the person grieving. Am I being unreasonable?

Eric says: Here’s some truths: grief manifests itself in all kinds of insidious ways. I’m not judging you for the way you feel, and I hope you won’t either.

Another truth: when we experience loss, it’s important for those who care about us to reach out. That didn’t happen in the case of your husband’s cousin, and it hurts.

Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. I hope he’ll listen without judgment, too. He can be an intermediary, nudging his cousin to make sure you know they care. Sometimes people don’t know what to say. Sometimes they fear they’ve missed the chance. Your husband can remind them of these additional truths: it’s never too late, and sometimes it can be enough to say, “I’m sorry; I’m here; I love you.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.