Ask Eric: Friends’ band hits a sour note

Dear Eric: Some friends have put together a band. I went to one of their gigs a couple years ago, and recently a practice session.

Now that I’m retired, they clearly would like me to go to more, or all, of their gigs. The gigs typically are at night, an hour from where I live. I am a morning person. After years of commuting, I am happy to drive as little as possible. I enjoy being with a friend or two, but put me in a room full of people and I am ready to go home. Plus, I cannot remember ever asking anyone to come out and support anything I do.

I love these people and feel like I have to start going to their gigs. And I know the whole time I will be wishing I was home. Any advice on how to proceed?

Eric says: It’s important to right-size the expectation around support. Some friends and family members are very willing to show up whenever and wherever to cheer us on. And that’s great. Others, like you, might find that they’re just not the right audience. And it’s fine to give what you can — attendance at a few gigs — without overextending yourself.

In the past, when I’ve written to people who’ve felt an obligation to support a loved one’s creative endeavors (or written to a loved one who is feeling unsupported), some readers have responded that it’s always our duty to show up and offer support. I see support as more multi-faceted. I want to perform for people who want to be there, and I understand if it’s not the right gig, venue or even time for someone else.

Try to address the pressure you’re feeling in a non-charged way: “I’m excited you found this, and I think your music is really great. Coming to live shows is hard for me, but I hope you know that it doesn’t diminish how proud I am!”

Dear Eric: I would like to add something to your response to the adoptive mother whose daughter went through substance abuse and self-destructive behaviors as a teen. In her early 20s she was close to her parents, but things went sideways shortly after Mom and Dad left to sail around the world.

I worked in treatment foster care for 12 years as a social worker and program director. Sadly, it is not uncommon for adoptees to struggle to come to grips with why their biological parents couldn’t or wouldn’t care for them.

Mom’s reference to the daughter’s biological parents’ “history of mental illness and substance abuse” is a red herring. Despite extensive research, geneticists cannot point to any genes — singly or in combination — that significantly correlate with “mental illness.”

The daughter’s behavior is better explained by her struggles with adoption, than by genetics. There’s a clear thread here: The daughter struggles as a teen with adoption issues; she recovers with Mom’s support; Mom literally goes “to the other side of the world,” and the daughter lashes out at her for removing a crucial part of her support system, just when she finally felt secure.

No wonder she exploded at Mom for her bland suggestion that she see a therapist. What she really wants is closeness with an essential part of her support system that helped her emerge from the other side of her drug and self-destruction crisis.

Mom’s grasping how important she truly is to her daughter could help her to deal with the outbursts and to find ways to reassure her daughter that she will always be there for her.

Eric says: Thank you for this insight. The inner workings of a family system can be so complicated. We impact each other in ways of which we’re often quite unaware.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.