Holiday dilemma requires conversation, compromise

Q: I wish I could say I look forward to the holidays, but I no longer do. And Thanksgiving is the worst.

My ex and I used to live in the same neighborhood, therefore alternating just Thanksgiving Day worked. But my kids’ mom recently moved to the next town. The kids hate sitting in the car. I hate driving because traffic is crazy, and their mother just gloats knowing how stressful it is for me. She says we must stick to the court order. How do I convince her the court order doesn’t work for us? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: All custody decisions are made “in the best interest of the children.” But situations change with time. As in your case, a parent might move. Even a 10- or 15-minute move could add 30 to 40 minutes to the commute on a holiday weekend.

Or the school district may change the holiday schedule. When the order was written, there might have been a week break for Thanksgiving, but down the road the school calendar was adjusted to just Thursday and Friday. That certainly puts a damper on trying to get the kids from one home to another.

Both are cases where the original court order might be adjusted to make it easier for the kids, but if you don’t have the cooperation of both parents, it wouldn’t be surprising if changes are denied.

So, what do you do? Good ex-etiquette suggests a conversation and a compromise, but to do that, you must lay the groundwork well before the requested change. Every conversation you have with your co-parent lays the groundwork for the next conversation. Dig in your heels today and “no” probably will be the answer to your request next time.

In this case, consider a new approach or a compromise to the holiday. Would it be easier on your kids to return on the Friday after Thanksgiving rather than have their parent race to get them back after Thanksgiving dinner?

If you are the reason for making the exchange difficult, it eventually will backfire. As the kids get older, they will understand who is or who is not looking for the compromise, and that often impacts the time they will want to spend with that parent.

We are our children’s role models. Be the change you want to see in the world. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.