Can Americans discuss political disagreements respectfully? Yes, says this Minnesota pastor.

Like most Americans, the Rev. Jerad Morey has a relative who disagrees with all of his political views, and vice versa. But at family gatherings, rather than avoiding the subject, Morey and his uncle always go off together and spend some time discussing politics.

And get this — they both enjoy those chats.

The New Brighton resident, 45, has a superpower that many might covet: He’s an expert in how to have respectful conversations about controversial issues.

As director of strategic relationships at the Minnesota Council of Churches, Morey leads the council’s Respectful Conversations program, described as “structured, facilitated conversations designed not to change minds, but soften hearts.”

Since Respectful Conversations began in 2012, he said, about 8,500 people in churches, community centers and college campuses have gathered to discuss potentially polarizing topics such as same-sex marriage, race relations and guns. This year, with political divisiveness running particularly high, about 650 people have signed up to attend sessions of the organization’s most recent series, “A Respectful Conversation About This Election.”

Morey has written and spoken about managing conflict, embracing empathy and strengthening relationships for various media outlets and audiences, and was named a 2024-2025 Obama Foundation USA Leader.

With the nation limping wearily toward what will hopefully be the finale of a tense and especially contentious political season, Morey offered tips for discussing politics and other touchy subjects while maintaining civility and respect. After all, even after Nov. 5, Americans will still find things to disagree about.

Spoiler alert: Morey doesn’t hold the secret to converting your cantankerous cousin or naïve niece to your own views by showing them why they’re wrong and you’re right — or probably any other way. The good news is that it’s possible to get along with folks despite political differences, or at least to get through the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner without throwing a gravy boat at the person across the table. The interview has been edited for length and clarity.

People want to talk about it. But it is a more difficult topic than the weather.

If you’re wondering whether to continue a casual conversation that’s getting political, the main question is: “What do I want to happen?” If you hope to turn the other person into someone more like you, then maybe don’t. You’ll both end up disappointed.

A: Instead of trying to change them, be curious about who they are. Love them more by understanding them better. “I’m surprised to hear you say that. Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?” “It sounds like this value is a big concern for you. What have you experienced that makes it so important?” Everyone is an expert on their own story, so ask about that.

Listen for the emotions the other person feels and try to affirm them. Maybe you don’t agree with their facts. But if you did believe those facts were true, would you feel as they do? Start there. Try to empathize.

When it’s your time to talk, don’t start by challenging their views. Instead, share your own story. Focus on your life experience, not what you heard happened to someone else or a talking point you saw on the news. Use “I” statements.

Before you put too much hope into persuading someone, ask yourself: “What evidence could this person show me that would change my mind?” If you can’t imagine changing your own mind, then why expect them to change theirs?

Are you sure you’re hearing misinformation? Or are you the one who is misinformed? Check that out — maybe do it together. If you’re confident you can plainly say, “I don’t think that’s true” and share the facts you trust. But be realistic about your expectations.

Great question! It’s a good practice anyway to cite your sources. Just don’t expect your sources to sway anyone. If you show me facts that would make me change my conclusions, I’m more likely to question your facts than doubt myself.

This goes back to knowing what your goal is: If you want to be a thinking person who can back up your judgments with evidence, who can explain themselves to others, then yes, give a reason. But if you want to change the other person by replacing their facts with yours, you’ll both probably walk away disappointed in how that went.

You can’t take back what you said or what you heard, but you can attempt a fix by naming a goal out loud. “Look, you’re important to me. I’m sorry things got hot. I’d like to still be friends.” Odds are if the relationship is worth the work of an apology from you, it’s worth it for them, too.

Whenever two people get together there is the risk of conflict, that’s just life. But you can build relationships that can withstand political conflict.

Having a shared project — building a deck, embracing a Thanksgiving service project — is a great way to connect. Doing something together will help you stay friends. It will help you to feel more curious about than threatened by each other.

Take a walk with them outside. Fresh air calms our bodies, as do the colors green and blue. Looking ahead and not facing each other makes you less reactive to whatever emotions are playing on the other person’s face, giving you both more time to think before you respond. And the exercise produces more dopamine in your system, the happy hormone.

When we hear someone challenge our ideas or worldview, our body starts to behave like it’s in danger. Muscles tense, breathing gets shallow, heart rate increases. But we don’t always notice that we’re feeling that way until angry and defensive words start coming out of our mouths.

Psychologist Mark Brandt of Michigan State University showed that when people face “worldview conflict,” like a political argument, they have “more other-condemning emotions” and “less well-being.”

In that study “well-being” was about mental health. But other research from Northeastern shows that people who experience extreme political polarization have two more days of poor physical health every month. Every month. That’s huge.

What can you do? If you notice yourself tensing up while having a conversation, watching an ad or reading an opinion piece, take a few calming deep breaths. Turn it off, sit in silence, walk away. Take a break when you need to.

Instead of obsessing over how bad or gullible people are for disagreeing with you, act to support a positive future you envision. Go door-knocking, get organized, perform random acts of kindness. Be the change you believe in.

However, while some of us can debate politics and feel we will be fine whatever happens Nov. 5, many of us really could see our lives change drastically. It’s good to do self-care and want to preserve our relationships, but we can’t expect ourselves to not be vigilant if we have every reason to believe our rights, homes or bodies are at risk.

There are a couple things we can be thankful for in this season. First is that if you’re worried about how toxic political conversations can be, you’re not alone! “Reduce the Rancor, Minnesota” is a campaign we’re part of that’s endorsed by the Minnesota GOP and DFL.

Second, be thankful that you and your loved ones can figure out how to have better conversations. If you’d like to practice at one of our Respectful Conversations, there are two more already scheduled, both on Nov. 20.