Asking Eric: Uncles don’t send gifts but want them

Dear Eric: I have two brothers that failed to send a birthday gift or even a card to my 12-year-old daughter. My wife and I always send birthday gifts or money and a card to their kids.

My daughter took note of not getting anything from them this past year in a sad kind of manner. She enjoys her aunts and uncles and cousins otherwise.

One of my brothers just sent a request for a video game birthday gift for his 9-year-old son. I am happy to give a gift to my nephew but also a bit annoyed that this is not reciprocated. I’d welcome your advice.

Eric says: Send the gift but have a conversation with your brothers about what gifts mean to your daughter and how the lack of acknowledgment has made her — and you — feel.

The niece/nephew gift exchange need not be tit for tat, but it’s important that your brothers know that you’re not feeling the kind of family connection that you want. Offer to send them reminders or gift request lists, if you want, for your daughter’s sake.

Also keep in mind that this may not be an intentional slight; they simply might not be great at keeping track of birthdays.

Dear Eric: I’m gay and a dad. Recently, my 16-year-old’s phone was connected to the car display, and I noticed from a notification that he had changed his phone contact for me from Dad to my first name and changed my husband’s contact to Dad. My feelings are hurt. Am I overreacting, or should I have a discussion with my son about it? I can’t stop thinking about what could’ve happened to cause this change.

Eric says: I understand why this hits a sensitive spot. Your relationship with your son will continue to change and develop as he moves toward adulthood. But you are your kid’s dad, and you always will be.

So, what’s going on with him? Probably nothing. Maybe he’s experimenting with being more mature and testing out new nomenclature. Our phones are places where we deposit the weird insides of our brains, and it doesn’t always make sense to the outside eye.

I’m curious what he calls you when speaking to you. Are you still Dad? Or has that changed, too? That’s a better measure, I think.

What really matters here is your actual relationship.

Dear Eric: My brother-in-law is coming for a week-long visit. He likes to drink very high-end alcohol. As a host, how much do I have to provide? I’m struggling being a good host and blowing my grocery budget.

Eric says: At most, you can buy one of his preferred bottles as a gesture of hospitality. But guests shouldn’t come with contract riders. If you don’t have something he wants, he’s capable of stocking the bar himself. Sometimes, part of making oneself at home when visiting is asking the host for directions to the liquor store.

Dear Eric: I read the letter about the widowed parent who only wants to watch TV and not socialize. From the point of view of one who was widowed eight years ago after 43 years of marriage, I would tell the children not to worry.

They should know that at each and every doctor’s appointment to which we older folk go, we are asked the required questions designed to identify depression and overindulgence (even at the dermatologist). The kids should ensure that their mother goes at least yearly to a general practitioner to monitor her health; this could go quite a way toward their peace of mind.

Eric says: Thank you for raising the importance of keeping up regular health monitoring with a primary care physician and specialists.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.