Dear Readers: A month ago, I shared a letter from a woman who lost her daughter five years ago and felt unsure about how to respond when people ask, “How many children do you have?” A number of readers wrote in with thoughtful and empathetic suggestions.
I’d like to share their thoughts with you. I also want to express my condolences to all the readers who have lost children.
Enjoying the family
Dear Eric: I lost my beautiful, intelligent oldest son to alcoholism three years ago. If the situation is casual, I respond that we raised three boys and now have four grandchildren, including girls, a new experience for us! For many situations, that is enough information.
When conversations go deeper, I calmly say that we lost a son to alcoholism, an important fact that needs to be said. It can be an awkward moment, but I say that we have many blessings and enjoy life with all of our family and friends.
Eric says: I like that you frame your answer in a way that feels most comfortable for you; that’s key. Also, by sharing more information when you choose to, you never know who you might help.
Double the pain
Dear Eric: I lost two adult children, my son Alan to ALS five years ago, and my daughter, Leslie, to breast cancer three years ago. I, too, felt awkward when asked how many children I have. It’s easier if I say one, but then I feel I’m negating the children who died. What I say now is, “I have one surviving child.” Sometimes I say more, sometimes not.
Eric says: What I see in your answer is an awareness that sometimes we’re in a place to share more extensively and sometimes we’re not, and both are right. Thank you for sharing.
Never forgotten
Dear Eric: I lost a child to an overdose five years ago. I decided I would never deny my son’s existence in any situation. So, when the inevitable questions come up, I say I have two children and one of them has passed away. Then I follow up with, “It’s OK I love to talk about him!”
