Asking Eric: Mom’s inheritance spurs a debate

Dear Eric: When my mother passed away, her trust was split mostly between me and my sister, with a small percentage to my sister’s two kids. My mother and my sister lived together. My mother provided the down payment on their house, and my sister covered most of the mortgage. My sister covered most of the mortgage.

I always have imagined gifting a percentage of my stake in the house to my sister because she has been responsible for providing care for our mother. I have no interest in forcing her to sell the house, pay me rent or buy me out, but also do not want to be financially responsible for the house.

My sister recently said she thinks she deserves more stake in the house. I don’t disagree, however, from my understanding, she also has received much more financial support than I have over the years. All in all, she is inheriting 55% of the estate, and I am inheriting 45%.

Originally, I was thinking I would gift her 25%, but with her kids’ percentages, I was thinking maybe 10 to 15% would be fairer. What do you think?

Eric says: In the best cases, inheritances, wills and trusts are our ways of communicating our wishes and our love beyond death. That can sometimes get misconstrued, though.

If I’m reading correctly, the house isn’t yet paid off, so it’s less an inheritance at the moment than it is an expense. The trust division doesn’t seem to account for any of your sister’s past mortgage payments. Instead, it’s as if they were rent payments to your mother. This is a fine way to think of them but doesn’t seem fair in this circumstance.

Indeed, if the 55% also includes her children’s share, and she’s going to be solely responsible for mortgage and upkeep going forward, she’s getting the short end of the stick.

One option is to have her calculate the amount she’s paid into the mortgage and the amount it will take to get it paid off, and, when she sells it, subtract that amount from the price of the house and divide the rest per the percentages in the trust.

I’m loath to suggest pulling out calculators when it comes to inheritance that is so wrapped up in other factors you can’t put a price tag on, like caregiving. However, if you don’t want to be on the hook for any of the house’s finances, having communication about who is footing what bills going forward will make it clearer what’s fair down the line.

Dear Eric: Your answer to the young mother whose husband didn’t like her friendships missed some troubling signs: She might be in an abusive relationship.

Abusers often isolate their spouse from everyone around them, making her completely dependent on him. This family moved hundreds of miles from their former home to his hometown, and she doesn’t appear to have a support system among his family or friends.

There’s no mention of how, or whether, he’s sympathetic to the problems she had adjusting. Having worked for a domestic violence nonprofit, all of this raises red flags.

Eric says: I appreciate you raising these concerns. I want to share a more complete answer here for anyone who sees similar red flags in their relationship.

Isolation is a hallmark of emotional abuse, accrding to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (thehotline.org/800-799-SAFE). These are behaviors by a spouse, partner or loved one that are meant to control, isolate or frighten.

Some other red flags include name-calling, gaslighting, monitoring your activities/stalking, threatening suicide during arguments, repeatedly accusing you of cheating, blaming you for their unhealthy behaviors and withholding affection.

Readers, please reach out to the hotline if you have questions or want to understand your options. You are not alone.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.