Asking Eric: Hearing loss has turned nasty

Dear Eric: My husband long has struggled with his hearing, but the past few months it has gotten worse to the point that I have to raise my voice and repeat several times for him to hear me. He then accuses me of shouting at him and says if I didn’t mumble he could hear me.

I finally got him to go to a hearing specialist, who confirmed that he suffers from a hearing loss. But he refuses to use hearing aids.

I know this is a sensitive issue. However, it’s very nerve-racking for me. I love him very much. I just want to help him. I don’t want him to be embarrassed when out in public. Any advice?

Eric says: Your husband is having an understandable struggle adapting to this change in his ability, but that’s not an excuse for him to take it out on you.

In an unheated moment, tell him that you understand his frustration but that it doesn’t help either of you to be in conflict. Remind him that you two can either sit in silence or you can take steps together to fix this.

If you’re in a bargaining mood, you can promise to try to speak up if he promises to wear a hearing aid. But whatever happens, he’s got to stop taking his frustration out on you.

Dear Eric: We have a 39-year-old son who used to be in commercial real estate but has been out of work for 10 months. He has told us he is very depressed and has been for years. He ran out of health insurance and refuses to get any further therapy.

He said that it will take at least a year for him to find another job. He has not communicated with me for months and will not return any communications when I reach out to him. He has talked only to his mother.

My wife and I are at loggerheads with regard to how much financial support we should give him. We are supporting him to the tune of $5,000 a month. We are 75, and this is eating up our retirement funds.

I have offered to continue to support him, but he must seek therapy, which we will gladly pay for. He also needs to let us know whether he plans to stay with this profession, look at another field or further pursue more education, which we will be happy to pay for.

My wife thinks we should continue to support him even though he will not speak to us about his intentions. I don’t agree. Your thoughts would be helpful.

Eric says: It’s hard to fault you for doing everything in your power to help your son. However, your son’s actions show an unwillingness to participate in his own recovery, which begs the question at what point does support become enabling?

Your son might resent your input, but that resentment hasn’t stopped him from cashing your checks. So, he’s got a choice to make.

Hold the next payment until he sits down for a frank conversation. Be clear with him: You love him, you’re concerned for him, you want to help him. He can’t keep accepting your money and not communicating with you. It isn’t that he owes you a relationship in return for your money, it’s that you’re in a relationship and he’s abusing it.

If you and your wife decide it’s worth it for your peace of mind to continue supporting your son, I strongly encourage you to reduce it to a level that won’t endanger your future.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.