Ask Eric: Son’s romance feels like a scam

Dear Eric: My 22-year-old son has met a 36-year-old woman in Brazil on the internet. He has fallen for her and is planning to go there this summer for at least three months.

My husband and I are worried about this woman’s motives. He has been sending her money. One friend cautioned that she may be looking to marry him as a way to come to the United States.

He is an adult, but we are very worried and don’t want him to go. What advice do you have?

Eric says: Your son’s situation has some of the warning signs of a romance scam.

According to the Federal Trade Commission, there were more than 64,000 reported romance scams in 2023 (the last year for which there are complete statistics), raking in $1.14 billion.

The FBI has a webpage specifically dedicated to romance scams. Visit FBI.gov or the Internet Crime Complaint Center (ic3.gov) and see if any of the common tactics resonate with what you’re seeing in your son’s case.

There you’ll also find guidance for how to encourage your son to think more critically about his actions. Certainly, long-distance love happens. But those connecting with others they haven’t met, especially others who are asking for money, need to exercise prudence.

Dear Eric: Mike was my friend for more than 50 years. We carpooled to work together for nearly 15 years. Our bond grew even closer when his 16-year-old son died by suicide after a struggle with depression. Mike appeared so strong during that tragedy, but I know he suffered intense grief, and I did my best to be there for him.

Unfortunately, shortly after retiring, Mike developed an aggressive cancer, which he valiantly fought for about three or four months. He remained optimistic during that time. However, when Mike received the diagnosis that the treatments were not working, he became withdrawn and did not want to see me, although we would have occasional phone conversations when he felt up to it. He said, “I don’t want you to see me like this. Remember me the way I was.”

We spoke the day before he passed. He thanked me for being his friend for much of his life and insisted I not cry when I choked up during the conversation. It was painful, but I fought it back for his sake and promised to meet again in the great beyond.

Mike’s death left a hole in my heart. I never felt I did enough those final months or adequately bid him farewell.

Mike’s wife never warmed up to me or my wife, and we did nothing together as couples. I did call her about nine months after Mike died and had a pleasant conversation. However, she’s never reached out, and I haven’t tried to contact her again, although I’ve wondered if I should. What are your thoughts?

Eric says: I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I know the pain of his absence has been hard to navigate, especially after 50 years of friendship. I hope you can continue to get closure from the knowledge that you got to say goodbye, even if it wasn’t the way you wanted to. Mike was navigating a lot during those final months, and you did a kind and loving thing by respecting his wishes for space.

Your desire to reach out to his wife again comes from a kind place, as well. It could be helpful to both of you to speak about Mike together, but without a longstanding relationship, it’s hard to tell. Instead of a call, if you feel compelled to reach out again, try sending a letter and enclosing your number. This gives her the option to respond if she feels it will be helpful.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.