Ask Eric: If you can’t say something nice, should you give a eulogy?

Dear Eric: I am retired. A former colleague died recently. I was never close to this woman, but we were in the same department and had to collaborate on many projects and initiatives. Dealing with her was a challenge, but I tried my best to be professional. She was often unpleasant to me, disparaged my ideas and tried to undermine me with our department chair.

Her daughter has written to me, asking if I could be one of the eulogizers at her memorial service. To be honest, I had no intention of even attending the event.

Should I tell her that her mother and I were not at all close, and that she should find someone else? Should I try to find something nice to say about this woman, even if I have to force it? Or should I make plans to be out of the country at the time of the service?

When asked to speak at a funeral or memorial service, is one obligated to do so?

Eric says: The saying goes that one shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but, by the same token, one isn’t obligated to say anything at all. The daughter doesn’t need to know the nitty-gritty of your difficult working relationship with her mom, though. The kindest thing — for both of you — is to tell her that you’re grateful to be asked but you don’t feel comfortable eulogizing her mother. Then express your condolences and leave it at that.

Dear Eric: My husband of almost 57 years said to me for the very first time, “I don’t want to talk about it.” He is 77, and I am 80.

The topic was two incidents of damage to his newly purchased car.

It has been four days, and he has not mentioned the topic. How long should I keep waiting? Is it OK of him to make this request?

Eric says: Every couple has their own internal rules, so what’s OK for some might not be for others. If you feel that one of the core agreements of your relationship is that you talk about everything, this might be a good opportunity to point that out to your husband and ask him what’s behind his response.

You also might think about why he could be avoiding talking. Perhaps he is feeling embarrassed or frustrated by a change in his driving ability. You could ask him about that directly but empathetically by saying something like, “I haven’t noticed anything that I’m worried about, but if you’ve noticed something different about your driving, would you please tell me? I want to help keep you safe.”

Dear Eric: I have a friend who I’ve known since childhood. He beat cancer, but now he has had some intermittent blindness. His sight is back to normal after a few hours.

I’ve asked him what his doctors have said about it, and his response is, “They want me to do an MRI, and I’m claustrophobic and not doing that.”

How do I respect that decision when it could be a life-threatening issue?

Eric says: Respect has multiple definitions. You can respect his decision by acknowledging it and abiding by it without necessarily agreeing with it or thinking highly of it. When a mentally competent adult refuses medical care, sometimes the only option is to listen and validate their feelings.

Intermittent blindness is indeed alarming and could indicate serious conditions. His previous cancer experience may have left him traumatized, fearful or simply exhausted by treatments.

Communication is key to understanding what’s happening — whether it’s medical anxiety, hopelessness or a deeper mental health issue that might require intervention. If you haven’t already, consider asking about options like open MRIs or CT scans instead of traditional MRIs.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.