Ask Eric: Animal lover is missing the boat

Dear Eric: A friend of mine is a lovely woman, and a real animal lover. The problem is that she lives near some woods and feeds the wild animals that come to her yard. I’m not talking about just putting out a bird feeder. She feeds opossums, raccoons, deer and other creatures, and gets a lot of pleasure out of doing so.

It is not recommended that anyone feed wild animals in this way. It is bad for the animals and for you, for lots of reasons.

This week a black bear came up to her back door, putting herself and her neighbors at risk. (She thought it was cute.) What can I say to discourage her from doing this? She considers herself a saint for “helping out God’s creatures,” and she is not receptive to contrary suggestions.

Eric says: Opossums and raccoons and bears! Oh my.

You’re correct that feeding wild animals is potentially quite dangerous for them and for your friend. The Department of Agriculture is clear on this. Wild animals have specialized diets and can die if they’re fed the wrong foods. Wild animals that grow too accustomed to people are at risk of becoming too aggressive, resulting in injury to others, or too comfortable around moving vehicles, resulting in their own injury. In short, your friend is not doing them the service she might think she is.

You can direct her to the Department of Agriculture’s Wildlife Services (aphis.usda.gov/wildlife-services) for suggestions of ways to better living in harmony with wild animals.

Dear Eric: In the age of Ozempic weight loss, I have an etiquette question. When you see a friend who has lost a lot of weight, what is the proper thing to say? Saying, “Wow, you look great” makes it sound like they didn’t look good before. Yet, you can’t ignore the change. I’ve been trying to come up with something appropriate, but I’m at a loss.

Eric says: In general, it’s best to not comment on other people’s physical appearance, so I’d say you can ignore the change. People’s bodies change for all kinds of reasons — weight loss programs, medications, surgery, illness, exercise and more. But the invitation for public commentary often is erroneously assumed. Unless someone says, “I’m feeling great after taking Ozempic, and I’m glad I did it,” or something like that, you don’t need to comment.

Dear Eric: I wanted to add a perspective to the reader who felt great resentment at her nephews who acted as “gatekeepers” when they were caring for their dying father.

My grandmother was a very social and funny woman. When she was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer, her decline was very surprising and very fast. Suddenly, this woman who loved nothing more than having her home filled with as many people as possible for a “sit and visit” wanted no one but her sons and grandchildren near her.

My father was tasked with “gatekeeping” and respecting her wishes. I knew many family members were not happy when he had to turn down phone calls and visits.

End-of-life care is heartbreaking and exhausting. While it may seem, and may very possibly be, a hostile act from the brother’s children, another strong possibility is that his children were rallying around him and giving the care he requested.

Maybe reaching out with gratitude to his children with compassion and for their care of your dear brother can help bridge a new relationship and together you all can learn and share new memories of your brother and create new bonds.

Eric says: I appreciate this alternative perspective for the letter writer. Sometimes with familial questions that can’t be answered, it’s best to lead with empathy and assume the most generous explanation.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.